Evaluation Report for General Writing Task 2 Discussion Essay Submission
Essay Evaluation
Question: Do you believe that the increase in screen time among children is more harmful to their development than beneficial, and what measures can parents take to encourage more engaging and physical activities for their children?
although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens there are multiple drawbacks to it .
children who watch videos and such on screens may be somewhat beneficial it does more harm to the child than good, such as lessened attention span
lessened cognitive abilities, and so on.
parents could introduce their children to hobbies and or activities their children may be interested in such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft. and paintball and they can limit their children's screen time to how long they please
children who watch videos and such on screens may be somewhat beneficial it does more harm to the child than good, such as lessened attention span
lessened cognitive abilities, and so on.
parents could introduce their children to hobbies and or activities their children may be interested in such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft. and paintball and they can limit their children's screen time to how long they please
Submitted on April 22, 2024 at 10:32 AM
Overall Evaluation
5 Bands
Your essay addresses the question by acknowledging that while there are benefits to screen time, the drawbacks outweigh these benefits. You've made an effort to present both sides of the argument briefly before stating your position, which is good practice. However, your essay could be significantly improved by expanding on your ideas, providing specific examples, and enhancing the structure for clarity. Your suggestions for alternatives to screen time are a good start, but they would benefit from further development and explanation on how they can be more engaging and beneficial for children's development. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation, such as capitalization at the beginning of sentences, and providing a more varied sentence structure could improve the readability and professionalism of your writing. Consider also a conclusion that summarizes your argument and reiterates the importance of the issue. Your essay currently aligns with a band score of around 5.0 due to these areas needing improvement. Enhancing your essay with these suggestions could significantly increase your score.
In this part of essay evaluation, state of the art AI and ML algorithms trained on millions of essays analyze how well you have performed on all fronts of IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.
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5
Coherence & Cohesion
4 Bands
In this part of essay evaluation, the laser-focused algorithms meticulously examine your essay’s structure, ensuring your ideas flow logically and cohesively.
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Logical Organization
Your essay lacks a clear structure and progression of ideas. The argument is presented, but the flow between points is somewhat abrupt, impacting the overall coherence. Band: 4.5
Bad Sentence(s)
although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens there are multiple drawbacks to it .
Corrected Sentence:
Although watching videos on screens can be beneficial for children, there are multiple drawbacks that outweigh these benefits.
Although watching videos on screens can be beneficial for children, there are multiple drawbacks that outweigh these benefits.
Use a clearer topic sentence to introduce your argument more effectively.
parents could introduce their children to hobbies and or activities their children may be interested in such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft. and paintball and they can limit their children's screen time to how long they please
Corrected Sentence:
Parents could introduce their children to hobbies or activities they may find interesting, such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft, and paintball. Additionally, they can limit their children's screen time as they see fit.
Parents could introduce their children to hobbies or activities they may find interesting, such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft, and paintball. Additionally, they can limit their children's screen time as they see fit.
Split this long sentence into two for clarity and to improve flow.
Suggestions
To enhance logical progression, start with an introduction that clearly states your thesis. Then, organize your body paragraphs by points of argument, each with a clear topic sentence followed by evidence or examples. Finally, conclude by summarizing your arguments and restating your thesis in light of the evidence presented.
Paragraphing
The paragraphs in your essay are not clearly defined, making it difficult to distinguish between the introduction, body, and conclusion. Band: 4.0
Bad Sentence(s)
Your entire essay appears as a single paragraph.
Corrected Sentence:
Introduction: State the topic and your thesis. Body Paragraph 1: Discuss the drawbacks of increased screen time. Body Paragraph 2: Suggest measures parents can take. Conclusion: Summarize your arguments and restate your thesis.
Introduction: State the topic and your thesis. Body Paragraph 1: Discuss the drawbacks of increased screen time. Body Paragraph 2: Suggest measures parents can take. Conclusion: Summarize your arguments and restate your thesis.
Divide your essay into an introduction, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Suggestions
To create more focused and coherent paragraphs, ensure each paragraph discusses a single main idea. Use the first sentence of each paragraph as a topic sentence to introduce the idea, followed by supporting sentences with examples or evidence, and a concluding sentence to wrap up the idea.
Cohesive Devices
Your essay shows an attempt to use cohesive devices, but their application is limited and sometimes incorrect, affecting the overall clarity. Band: 4.0
Bad Sentence(s)
although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens there are multiple drawbacks to it .
Corrected Sentence:
Although, it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens, there are multiple drawbacks to it.
Although, it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens, there are multiple drawbacks to it.
Use a comma after 'although' to correctly apply the cohesive device.
Suggestions
To improve your use of cohesive devices, focus on variety and accuracy. Use a mix of conjunctions ('and', 'but', 'so'), adverbs ('however', 'therefore'), and phrases ('as a result', 'in addition') to link ideas within and between sentences. Ensure you apply punctuation correctly when using these devices.
Topic Sentences
Your topic sentences could be more effective in clearly stating the main idea of each paragraph. They currently lack specificity and do not fully guide the reader through your argument.
Bad Sentence(s)
although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens there are multiple drawbacks to it .
Corrected Sentence:
Although screen time can offer educational content, its excessive use leads to significant drawbacks, including reduced attention span and cognitive abilities in children.
Although screen time can offer educational content, its excessive use leads to significant drawbacks, including reduced attention span and cognitive abilities in children.
Clarify the main idea by directly stating the negative impacts of screen time on children.
Suggestions
To write clear and impactful topic sentences, start with a concise statement that reflects the main idea of the paragraph. Use active voice and specific language to directly address the essay question.
Counter Points
You briefly mentioned the potential benefits of screen time but did not fully explore or refute these points, which weakens your argument's balance and depth.
Bad Sentence(s)
children who watch videos and such on screens may be somewhat beneficial
Corrected Sentence:
While children can derive educational value from curated screen content, the overarching negative impacts on their attention span and cognitive development outweigh these benefits.
While children can derive educational value from curated screen content, the overarching negative impacts on their attention span and cognitive development outweigh these benefits.
Expand on this point by acknowledging the benefits before presenting evidence or arguments that support your main claim.
Suggestions
To effectively address and integrate counterarguments, acknowledge the opposing viewpoint fully before using evidence and logical reasoning to explain why your argument is stronger. This not only strengthens your position but also demonstrates critical thinking.
Task Achievement
4.5 Bands
You have addressed the topic, but your essay lacks clear structure and detailed argumentation. Including more specific examples, a clearer stance, and a more explicit conclusion would improve your essay significantly. Additionally, work on sentence structure and punctuation for better clarity.
In this part of essay evaluation, the system evaluates how effectively your essay fulfills the given question, focusing on its relevance and comprehensiveness.
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Response to Question
You addressed the question, but your response could be more comprehensive and structured to fully hit the mark.
Bad Example(s)
although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens there are multiple drawbacks to it .
This sentence is too vague and lacks a clear stance, which weakens your argument.
Development of Position
Your argument is somewhat clear but lacks depth and detailed explanation to make it strong.
Bad Example(s)
lessened cognitive abilities, and so on.
This phrase is too vague and does not provide specific examples or explanations.
Supporting Details
Your examples are relevant but need further elaboration and evidence to be more convincing.
Bad Example(s)
such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft. and paintball
While these are good examples of activities, there's no explanation on how they benefit children over screen time.
Conclusion
Your conclusion is implied rather than explicitly stated, which makes it lack impact.
Bad Example(s)
Lexical Resources
6 Bands
Your essay provides a clear stance on the issue, but the lexical range is somewhat limited. Expanding your vocabulary and varying your sentence structures could enhance the persuasiveness and readability of your argument. Additionally, paying attention to the precision and appropriateness of word choices will help strengthen your essay.
In this part of essay evaluation, the AI browses through 1,70,000+ words to analyze the diversity, suitability, and precision, reflecting high linguistic competence.
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Errors & Improvements
Based on the essay question, We have curated a list of suggested vocabulary that can improve the versatility of your writing skill. Utilise these words in your next essay to get your desired bands.
Lexical Mistakes
| Mistake | Correction | Reason |
|---|---|---|
| lessened cognitive abilities | reduced cognitive abilities | 'Reduced' is more appropriate in this context to describe a decrease in cognitive abilities. |
Repeated Words
| Repeated Words | Alternative Words |
|---|---|
children 5 times | youngsters, minors, kids |
screens 3 times | digital devices, electronic displays |
Vocabulary Suggestions
| Word Phrase | Meaning |
|---|---|
| detrimental Causing harm or damage. | Causing harm or damage. |
| cognitive development The construction of thought processes, including remembering, problem solving, and decision-making, from childhood through adolescence to adulthood. | The construction of thought processes, including remembering, problem solving, and decision-making, from childhood through adolescence to adulthood. |
| mitigate Make less severe, serious, or painful. | Make less severe, serious, or painful. |
| engagement The act of being involved or engaged in something. | The act of being involved or engaged in something. |
| sedentary lifestyle A way of life that involves little physical activity. | A way of life that involves little physical activity. |
Grammatical Range
4.5 Bands
Your essay shows an understanding of basic grammar, but there are several areas for improvement. Issues such as run-on sentences, lack of proper punctuation, and inconsistent capitalization detract from the clarity and professionalism of your writing. Focusing on sentence structure, including more complex sentences, and adhering to grammatical conventions will significantly enhance your writing.
In this part of essay evaluation, the ML algorithms evaluate sentence structure, scrutinizing for grammatical precision and diversity — crucial for advanced language skills.
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Sentence Structures
Your essay demonstrates a basic understanding of sentence structure, but there is a noticeable lack of variety and complexity. Most sentences are simple or compound, with limited use of complex or compound-complex sentences that could enhance the depth and clarity of your argument.
Bad Example(s)
although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens there are multiple drawbacks to it .
This sentence lacks proper punctuation and capitalization, making it difficult to read. It should be divided into two sentences or connected with a comma and conjunction for clarity.
Tense Usage
The use of tenses in your essay is generally consistent and correct, focusing on the present simple tense to discuss current issues and general truths. However, the essay's brevity and simplicity limit the demonstration of a wider range of tense usage.
Grammatical Errors
although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens there are multiple drawbacks to it .
Correction:
Although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens, there are multiple drawbacks to it.
Although it can be beneficial for children to watch videos on screens, there are multiple drawbacks to it.
The sentence needs a comma after the introductory phrase and proper capitalization at the beginning.
children who watch videos and such on screens may be somewhat beneficial it does more harm to the child than good, such as lessened attention span lessened cognitive abilities, and so on.
Correction:
While it may be somewhat beneficial for children to watch videos on screens, it does more harm than good, such as reducing attention span and cognitive abilities, among others.
While it may be somewhat beneficial for children to watch videos on screens, it does more harm than good, such as reducing attention span and cognitive abilities, among others.
The original sentence is a run-on that lacks clarity and proper punctuation. Splitting it into two sentences or restructuring it for clarity is necessary.
parents could introduce their children to hobbies and or activities their children may be interested in such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft. and paintball and they can limit their children's screen time to how long they please
Correction:
Parents could introduce their children to hobbies or activities they may be interested in, such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft, and paintball, and they can limit their children's screen time as they see fit.
Parents could introduce their children to hobbies or activities they may be interested in, such as arts and crafts, sewing, airsoft, and paintball, and they can limit their children's screen time as they see fit.
The sentence is a run-on with awkward phrasing and punctuation errors. It needs restructuring for clarity and proper use of commas.