Evaluation Report for General Writing Task 2 Agree/Disagree Essay Submission
Essay Evaluation
Question: Do you agree or disagree that the increase in young people's use of electronic devices for leisure has more negative effects than positive ones on their development and well-being?
Although young people have readily accessibility to electronics and electronic devices they don't use them responsibly.
People know that electronics are a great comfort to have and use but the younger generation get too attached to their devices and some get screen addictions. In my opinion, we as people should try to use our electronics responsibly by limiting our screen time to only a couple hours a day so that we can be more productive during the day so that we can get our jobs done for the day.
An Oxford University study showed that English teenagers and young adults between the ages of 16 to 21 use their electronic devices between 5 to 6 hours a day they have done the study on 21000 people and over 15000 people have said that they use their phones for over 6 hours day some even said that they use their phone over 8 hours a day their addiction to their phones have given them negative effects to their body's and mental issues some reportedly gotten seizures, lazy eyes, or depression.
in conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation of their electronic addiction
People know that electronics are a great comfort to have and use but the younger generation get too attached to their devices and some get screen addictions. In my opinion, we as people should try to use our electronics responsibly by limiting our screen time to only a couple hours a day so that we can be more productive during the day so that we can get our jobs done for the day.
An Oxford University study showed that English teenagers and young adults between the ages of 16 to 21 use their electronic devices between 5 to 6 hours a day they have done the study on 21000 people and over 15000 people have said that they use their phones for over 6 hours day some even said that they use their phone over 8 hours a day their addiction to their phones have given them negative effects to their body's and mental issues some reportedly gotten seizures, lazy eyes, or depression.
in conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation of their electronic addiction
Submitted on April 23, 2024 at 9:57 AM
Overall Evaluation
5.5 Bands
Your essay addresses the topic of the impact of electronic device usage among young people on their development and well-being. You present a clear stance agreeing that the increase in electronic device usage has more negative effects than positive ones. However, your essay could be strengthened by addressing the following areas:
1. **Structure and Coherence**: Your essay lacks clear paragraphing, making it difficult to distinguish between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Consider organizing your essay into distinct sections to improve readability and coherence.
2. **Supporting Evidence**: You mention an Oxford University study, which is a good start. However, providing more detailed evidence, examples, or statistics could strengthen your argument. Also, ensure to cite sources accurately to enhance credibility.
3. **Counterarguments**: Addressing the potential positive effects of electronic devices and then refuting these points could make your argument more robust.
4. **Language and Grammar**: There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that hinder the clarity of your message. Paying attention to sentence structure and punctuation will improve the overall quality of your writing.
5. **Conclusion**: Your conclusion could be more impactful by summarizing your main points and restating your stance more forcefully.
Overall, you have a good foundation, but focusing on these areas could significantly improve your essay's effectiveness and potentially increase your IELTS band score.
In this part of essay evaluation, state of the art AI and ML algorithms trained on millions of essays analyze how well you have performed on all fronts of IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.
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5.5
Coherence & Cohesion
5 Bands
In this part of essay evaluation, the laser-focused algorithms meticulously examine your essay’s structure, ensuring your ideas flow logically and cohesively.
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Logical Organization
Your essay demonstrates a basic structure but lacks depth in argument development and transitions between ideas. The overall flow is somewhat linear but could be significantly improved for clarity and impact. Band: 5.0
Good Sentence(s)
An Oxford University study showed that English teenagers and young adults between the ages of 16 to 21 use their electronic devices between 5 to 6 hours a day...
This sentence effectively introduces evidence to support your argument, demonstrating an attempt to base your opinion on research.
Bad Sentence(s)
Although young people have readily accessibility to electronics and electronic devices they don't use them responsibly.
Corrected Sentence:
Although young people have easy access to electronics, many do not use them responsibly.
Although young people have easy access to electronics, many do not use them responsibly.
Clarify the idea and improve the structure for a stronger opening statement.
Suggestions
To enhance logical progression, clearly outline your main points in the introduction, develop each point in its own paragraph with supporting evidence, and use transition words to connect ideas smoothly.
Paragraphing
Paragraphs are present but not clearly structured around single ideas, making it difficult to follow the argument. Band: 4.5
Bad Sentence(s)
in conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation of their electronic addiction
Corrected Sentence:
In conclusion, it is our responsibility to assist the younger generation in overcoming their addiction to electronics.
In conclusion, it is our responsibility to assist the younger generation in overcoming their addiction to electronics.
Start a new paragraph for the conclusion to clearly signal the end of your argument and summarize your points.
Suggestions
Focus each paragraph on a single idea, supported by evidence or examples. Use a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph and ensure there is a logical flow from one paragraph to the next.
Cohesive Devices
Your essay makes some use of cohesive devices, but they are not always used effectively to create a smooth flow of ideas. Band: 5.0
Suggestions
Improve your use of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of linking words and phrases that clearly show the relationship between ideas, such as 'furthermore' for adding information, 'however' for contrasting, and 'therefore' for showing consequence.
Topic Sentences
Your topic sentences somewhat establish the direction of your paragraphs but could be more specific to guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
Good Sentence(s)
Although young people have readily accessibility to electronics and electronic devices they don't use them responsibly.
This sentence effectively introduces the essay's main argument by highlighting the issue of irresponsible use of electronics among young people.
Bad Sentence(s)
in conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation of their electronic addiction
Corrected Sentence:
In conclusion, it is imperative that we assist the younger generation in overcoming their addiction to electronics.
In conclusion, it is imperative that we assist the younger generation in overcoming their addiction to electronics.
Revise to clearly reflect a conclusive statement that encapsulates the essay's argument more effectively.
Suggestions
To write clear and impactful topic sentences, start with a concise summary of the paragraph's main point. Use active voice and ensure the sentence provides a clear direction for the argument or analysis that follows. Avoid vague language.
Counter Points
Your essay does not effectively handle contrasting viewpoints. It largely focuses on the negative aspects without considering or refuting potential positive effects of electronic device usage among young people.
Suggestions
To address and integrate counterarguments more effectively, acknowledge potential benefits of electronic device usage in young people's development and well-being. Then, provide evidence or reasoning to explain why these benefits do not outweigh the negative effects. This approach will strengthen your argument by showing that you have considered multiple perspectives.
Task Achievement
5.5 Bands
You have a clear stance on the issue, which is good for task achievement. However, your essay would benefit from a more structured argument, including a balanced discussion, more varied examples, and a more compelling conclusion. Additionally, pay attention to minor grammatical errors and the clarity of your sentences to improve readability.
In this part of essay evaluation, the system evaluates how effectively your essay fulfills the given question, focusing on its relevance and comprehensiveness.
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Response to Question
You have addressed the question directly by stating your opinion that the increase in young people's use of electronic devices has more negative effects than positive ones on their development and well-being. However, your argument could be strengthened with more varied examples and a clearer structure.
Good example(s)
An Oxford University study showed that English teenagers and young adults between the ages of 16 to 21 use their electronic devices between 5 to 6 hours a day...
This example provides specific evidence to support your argument about the negative effects of electronic device usage.
Development of Position
Your position is clear but lacks depth in development. You've made a general statement about the need for responsible use of electronics but did not fully explore the implications or provide a balanced view.
Bad Example(s)
Although young people have readily accessibility to electronics and electronic devices they don't use them responsibly.
This sentence introduces your argument but fails to offer a nuanced perspective or acknowledge any potential benefits of electronic device usage.
Supporting Details
Your use of the Oxford University study is a strong supporting detail, but your essay would benefit from additional examples, statistics, or expert opinions to fully illustrate your points.
Good example(s)
An Oxford University study showed that English teenagers and young adults between the ages of 16 to 21 use their electronic devices between 5 to 6 hours a day...
This detail is effective because it provides concrete data to support your argument.
Conclusion
Your conclusion reiterates the need to help the younger generation with their electronic addiction, which aligns with your thesis. However, it could be more impactful by summarizing key points made in your essay and suggesting specific solutions or actions.
Bad Example(s)
in conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation of their electronic addiction
This conclusion is too vague and does not effectively summarize the essay's main arguments or propose a clear call to action.
Lexical Resources
6 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, but the lexical resource usage could be improved to enhance clarity and precision. Incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and avoiding repetition will make your argument more compelling and improve readability.
In this part of essay evaluation, the AI browses through 1,70,000+ words to analyze the diversity, suitability, and precision, reflecting high linguistic competence.
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Errors & Improvements
Based on the essay question, We have curated a list of suggested vocabulary that can improve the versatility of your writing skill. Utilise these words in your next essay to get your desired bands.
Lexical Mistakes
| Mistake | Correction | Reason |
|---|---|---|
| readily accessibility | readily accessible | Grammatical accuracy; 'accessible' is the correct adjective form. |
| get too attached | become too attached | 'Become' is more appropriate for the context of developing attachment over time. |
| body's | bodies | Incorrect use of apostrophe; 'bodies' is the plural form needed here. |
Repeated Words
| Repeated Words | Alternative Words |
|---|---|
electronics 5 times | digital devices, gadgets, electronic equipment |
people 4 times | individuals, users, youngsters |
Vocabulary Suggestions
| Word Phrase | Meaning |
|---|---|
| Digital well-being The impact of digital technology on people's health, happiness, and efficiency. | The impact of digital technology on people's health, happiness, and efficiency. |
| Screen time The amount of time spent using a device with a screen such as a smartphone, computer, or television. | The amount of time spent using a device with a screen such as a smartphone, computer, or television. |
| Cyber addiction The excessive use of electronic devices to the point where it interferes with daily life. | The excessive use of electronic devices to the point where it interferes with daily life. |
| Moderation The avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one's behavior or political opinions. | The avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one's behavior or political opinions. |
| Productivity The effectiveness of productive effort, especially in industry, as measured in terms of the rate of output per unit of input. | The effectiveness of productive effort, especially in industry, as measured in terms of the rate of output per unit of input. |
Out of Context
lazy eyes
Corrected Sentence:
eye strain or vision problems
eye strain or vision problems
Describing the negative effects of electronic device usage.
Grammatical Range
5.5 Bands
Overall, your grammar shows a good foundation, but there are areas for improvement. Pay attention to sentence structure to avoid overly simplistic or repetitive sentences. Be cautious with phrase choice to ensure clarity and correctness ('ready access' instead of 'readily accessibility'). Also, watch out for punctuation, such as the use of commas to separate clauses properly. Improving these aspects can make your writing more polished and effective.
In this part of essay evaluation, the ML algorithms evaluate sentence structure, scrutinizing for grammatical precision and diversity — crucial for advanced language skills.
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Sentence Structures
Your sentences show some variation in structure, but they often lack complexity and can be overly simplistic or repetitive. Incorporating a wider range of sentence types, including compound and complex sentences, could enhance the readability and sophistication of your essay.
Good example(s)
An Oxford University study showed that English teenagers and young adults between the ages of 16 to 21 use their electronic devices between 5 to 6 hours a day...
This sentence effectively combines data and research findings, making it informative and engaging.
Bad Example(s)
in conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation of their electronic addiction
The sentence starts with a lowercase letter and lacks complexity. It could be more impactful with a more sophisticated structure.
Tense Usage
Your use of tenses is generally consistent and correct, focusing on present simple to discuss current habits and situations. However, be mindful of maintaining tense consistency throughout the essay.
Grammatical Errors
Although young people have readily accessibility to electronics and electronic devices they don't use them responsibly.
Correction:
Although young people have ready access to electronics and electronic devices, they don't use them responsibly.
Although young people have ready access to electronics and electronic devices, they don't use them responsibly.
The phrase 'readily accessibility' is incorrect. 'Ready access' is the correct form, and a comma is needed before 'they' to separate the clauses.
in conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation of their electronic addiction
Correction:
In conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation overcome their electronic addiction.
In conclusion, we as people must help the younger generation overcome their electronic addiction.
The sentence should start with a capital letter. 'Of their electronic addiction' is awkward; 'overcome their electronic addiction' is clearer.