Evaluation Report for General Writing Task 2 Problem/Solution Essay Submission
Essay Evaluation
Question: Many local communities are struggling to maintain their cultural heritage as young people increasingly move to urban areas for more opportunities. What are the potential impacts of this loss on local arts and music, and how can these communities preserve their cultural legacy?
In contemporary society, countless local groups are trying to preserve their noticable culture, because there is an increase in the youngsters immigration to the big cities for better occupations. In this essay, I shall discuss the deleterious drawbacks of this phenomenon and how these local communities can protect their cultural heritage.
To begin, enormous rural societies are famous for their unique culture and elite traditions. They can draw tourists attentions to their habitant by these factors, which are vital for their economic status. Many of these local areas, have their own popular music festivals which bring them plenty of profits such as selling tickets, introduce their culture broadly, selling their crafts. etc. Subsequently, if they lose their background, firstly their culture will be forgotten and secondly they will lose their sources of incomes. It is a case that, in the rural areas which have heavy cultural heritage, they earning more money in the light of tourisim industry.
In my perspective, These groups can protect their culture by using digital platforms such as Instagram. Sharing various aspects of their culture can make people in different regions notice about their artistic values and their tradition. They can post photos from their crafts or videos from their especial traditions and introduce their elite and non-pasteurized culture globaly. Additionaly, besides the preservation project, they can elevate the attentions to their communities and gain more visitors, in resulte there will be a boost in their economical situation by using social media
Taking everything into account , by utilizing advanced technologies such as smartphones by these local communities. They can preserve their culture.Additionally, they can introduce their traditions and artistic aspects globaly and boost their economy.
To begin, enormous rural societies are famous for their unique culture and elite traditions. They can draw tourists attentions to their habitant by these factors, which are vital for their economic status. Many of these local areas, have their own popular music festivals which bring them plenty of profits such as selling tickets, introduce their culture broadly, selling their crafts. etc. Subsequently, if they lose their background, firstly their culture will be forgotten and secondly they will lose their sources of incomes. It is a case that, in the rural areas which have heavy cultural heritage, they earning more money in the light of tourisim industry.
In my perspective, These groups can protect their culture by using digital platforms such as Instagram. Sharing various aspects of their culture can make people in different regions notice about their artistic values and their tradition. They can post photos from their crafts or videos from their especial traditions and introduce their elite and non-pasteurized culture globaly. Additionaly, besides the preservation project, they can elevate the attentions to their communities and gain more visitors, in resulte there will be a boost in their economical situation by using social media
Taking everything into account , by utilizing advanced technologies such as smartphones by these local communities. They can preserve their culture.Additionally, they can introduce their traditions and artistic aspects globaly and boost their economy.
Submitted on August 7, 2024 at 11:36 AM
Overall Evaluation
6 Bands
Your essay addresses the question by discussing the impacts of young people moving to urban areas on local arts and music, and suggesting ways to preserve cultural heritage. Your structure is clear, with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are several areas for improvement. Firstly, your essay has numerous spelling and grammatical errors ('noticable' should be 'noticeable', 'immigration' should be 'migration', 'habitants' instead of 'habitant', 'tourisim' should be 'tourism', 'earning' should be 'earn', 'globaly' should be 'globally', etc.) which can hinder understanding and reduce the overall coherence of your essay. Secondly, while you provide some examples, your argument would be stronger with more detailed explanations and specific examples of how digital platforms can aid in preserving cultural heritage. Additionally, consider exploring other methods beyond digital platforms for a more comprehensive discussion. Your conclusion summarizes your points but could be enhanced by more clearly restating the significance of preserving cultural heritage. Aim for more variety in sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement. Overall, your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic but needs refinement in execution. With attention to detail and deeper analysis, you can significantly improve your score. Estimated band: 5.5.
In this part of essay evaluation, state of the art AI and ML algorithms trained on millions of essays analyze how well you have performed on all fronts of IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.
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6
Coherence & Cohesion
6.5 Bands
Your essay maintains a good level of coherence and cohesion, with clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs. However, there are opportunities to enhance coherence by more explicitly linking your solutions back to the problems you identify. For example, when discussing the use of digital platforms to preserve culture, directly tie this solution to the specific challenges caused by youth migration. Additionally, ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes both the problems and solutions you've discussed to reinforce your argument.
In this part of essay evaluation, the laser-focused algorithms meticulously examine your essay’s structure, ensuring your ideas flow logically and cohesively.
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Logical Organization
Your essay demonstrates a clear structure with a defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The flow of ideas is logical, moving from the issue's impact to potential solutions. However, the connection between paragraphs could be strengthened for a smoother transition. Overall, your organization is effective but has room for improvement to ensure a seamless flow. Band: 6.5
Good Sentence(s)
Subsequently, if they lose their background, firstly their culture will be forgotten and secondly they will lose their sources of incomes.
This sentence effectively highlights the consequences of cultural loss, showing a clear cause-and-effect relationship.
Bad Sentence(s)
In my perspective, These groups can protect their culture by using digital platforms such as Instagram.
Corrected Sentence:
These groups can protect their culture by utilizing digital platforms, such as Instagram.
These groups can protect their culture by utilizing digital platforms, such as Instagram.
Clarify the subject and maintain formal tone. Avoid personal opinion phrases in formal essays unless specifically asked.
Suggestions
To enhance logical progression, use more explicit transition phrases between paragraphs and within them to guide the reader through your argument more smoothly. Additionally, ensure each paragraph builds upon the previous one to develop your argument coherently.
Paragraphing
Your paragraphs are clear and generally well-structured, each focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, some paragraphs could be further developed to provide deeper analysis and stronger support for your arguments. Band: 6.5
Bad Sentence(s)
Taking everything into account , by utilizing advanced technologies such as smartphones by these local communities.
Corrected Sentence:
Taking everything into account, these local communities can utilize advanced technologies, such as smartphones, to preserve their culture.
Taking everything into account, these local communities can utilize advanced technologies, such as smartphones, to preserve their culture.
This sentence appears to be an incomplete thought and disrupts the paragraph's flow.
Suggestions
Focus on developing one main idea per paragraph and support it with specific details or examples. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and follow it with sentences that elaborate on that topic. This will create more focused and coherent paragraphs.
Cohesive Devices
You have made some use of cohesive devices, but there is room for improvement in their variety and accuracy. Some devices feel repetitive or are not used to their full potential to create coherence between ideas. Band: 6
Suggestions
To improve your use of cohesive devices, vary your language more and practice using synonyms to avoid repetition. Also, explore different types of cohesive devices, such as comparison and contrast connectors, cause and effect expressions, and sequencing words. This will help create a more naturally flowing and cohesive essay.
Topic Sentences
Your topic sentences generally set up the subject of each paragraph effectively, but they could be more specific in outlining the argument or point you plan to discuss.
Good Sentence(s)
To begin, enormous rural societies are famous for their unique culture and elite traditions.
This sentence effectively introduces the paragraph's focus on the economic and cultural value of rural societies.
In my perspective, These groups can protect their culture by using digital platforms such as Instagram.
This sentence clearly introduces your proposed solution for preserving cultural heritage.
Bad Sentence(s)
Taking everything into account , by utilizing advanced technologies such as smartphones by these local communities.
Corrected Sentence:
In conclusion, local communities can safeguard their cultural heritage and enhance their economy by embracing advanced technologies and social media.
In conclusion, local communities can safeguard their cultural heritage and enhance their economy by embracing advanced technologies and social media.
Clarify and directly state the main idea of your conclusion for stronger impact.
Suggestions
To write clear and impactful topic sentences, start with a concise summary of the paragraph's main argument or point. Use active voice and specific language to directly convey the topic you will discuss. Avoid vague phrases and ensure the sentence provides a clear direction for the paragraph.
Counter Points
Your essay does not explicitly address contrasting viewpoints or counterarguments, focusing instead on presenting your perspective and solutions. Including a balanced discussion with counterpoints could strengthen your argument.
Suggestions
To effectively address and integrate counterarguments, first acknowledge potential criticisms or alternative perspectives on your topic. Then, provide reasoned responses or evidence that supports your position. This approach not only shows a deep understanding of the issue but also strengthens your argument by preemptively addressing potential objections.
Task Achievement
6 Bands
Overall, your essay addresses the task with relevant points and examples. However, it would benefit from deeper analysis and more specific examples to strengthen the argument. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structure and coherence to ensure clarity of expression.
In this part of essay evaluation, the system evaluates how effectively your essay fulfills the given question, focusing on its relevance and comprehensiveness.
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Response to Question
Your essay addresses the question directly, discussing the impacts of cultural loss and suggesting digital platforms as a solution for preservation. However, the connection between the impacts and solutions could be strengthened.
Good example(s)
They can draw tourists attentions to their habitant by these factors, which are vital for their economic status.
This sentence effectively highlights the economic benefits of cultural preservation.
Bad Example(s)
In my perspective, These groups can protect their culture by using digital platforms such as Instagram.
This sentence introduces a solution but fails to directly link it to the potential impacts of cultural loss.
Development of Position
Your argument is clear but lacks depth. While you present a valid point about the use of digital platforms for cultural preservation, further elaboration on how this directly counters the negative impacts would strengthen your position.
Good example(s)
Subsequently, if they lose their background, firstly their culture will be forgotten and secondly they will lose their sources of incomes.
This sentence effectively outlines the consequences of cultural loss, supporting your argument.
Bad Example(s)
Taking everything into account , by utilizing advanced technologies such as smartphones by these local communities.
This sentence is vague and does not clearly articulate how the solution addresses the problem.
Supporting Details
Your examples are relevant but need further development. Mentioning digital platforms is a good start, but providing specific examples of successful preservation projects could offer stronger support for your argument.
Good example(s)
Many of these local areas, have their own popular music festivals which bring them plenty of profits such as selling tickets, introduce their culture broadly, selling their crafts. etc.
This detail effectively illustrates how cultural activities can benefit local economies.
Bad Example(s)
They can post photos from their crafts or videos from their especial traditions and introduce their elite and non-pasteurized culture globaly.
This sentence is too general and lacks specificity on how these actions contribute to cultural preservation.
Conclusion
Your conclusion reiterates the main points but could be more impactful by summarizing not just the solution but also the significance of preserving cultural heritage for future generations.
Bad Example(s)
Taking everything into account , by utilizing advanced technologies such as smartphones by these local communities.
This sentence is repetitive and does not effectively conclude the essay.
Lexical Resources
6.5 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, though it could benefit from more precise and varied language to enhance clarity and impact. Some words and phrases are used repetitively, and there are instances of incorrect or awkward usage that affect the overall coherence and sophistication of your argument.
In this part of essay evaluation, the AI browses through 1,70,000+ words to analyze the diversity, suitability, and precision, reflecting high linguistic competence.
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Errors & Improvements
Based on the essay question, We have curated a list of suggested vocabulary that can improve the versatility of your writing skill. Utilise these words in your next essay to get your desired bands.
Lexical Mistakes
| Mistake | Correction | Reason |
|---|---|---|
| noticable | noticeable | Spelling error. |
| youngsters immigration | youngsters' immigration | Missing possessive apostrophe. |
| tourisim | tourism | Spelling error. |
| especial | special | 'Especial' is less common and may be considered incorrect in this context. |
| globaly | globally | Spelling error. |
| resulte | result | Spelling error. |
Repeated Words
| Repeated Words | Alternative Words |
|---|---|
culture 12 times | heritage, traditions, customs |
communities 5 times | societies, groups, populations |
Vocabulary Suggestions
| Word Phrase | Meaning |
|---|---|
| digital preservation The maintenance of digital materials to ensure they remain accessible over time. | The maintenance of digital materials to ensure they remain accessible over time. |
| economic revitalization The process of invigorating a community's economy to promote growth and sustainability. | The process of invigorating a community's economy to promote growth and sustainability. |
| cultural dissemination The act of spreading cultural beliefs and activities both within and across societies. | The act of spreading cultural beliefs and activities both within and across societies. |
| socioeconomic status The social standing or class of an individual or group, often measured by education, income, and occupation. | The social standing or class of an individual or group, often measured by education, income, and occupation. |
| artisanal crafts Products made by hand using traditional methods, often reflecting cultural heritage. | Products made by hand using traditional methods, often reflecting cultural heritage. |
Grammatical Range
5.5 Bands
Overall, your grammar demonstrates a foundational understanding, but there are several areas for improvement. Attention to detail in spelling ('noticeable', 'globally'), possessive forms ('youngsters' immigration'), and correct verb tense usage will enhance your writing. Additionally, ensuring sentences are complete and avoiding fragments will improve readability. Focus on these areas could significantly elevate the quality of your writing.
In this part of essay evaluation, the ML algorithms evaluate sentence structure, scrutinizing for grammatical precision and diversity — crucial for advanced language skills.
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Learn more about grammar evaluation
Sentence Structures
Your essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, but there's room for improvement in complexity and variation to make your writing more engaging.
Good example(s)
They can draw tourists attentions to their habitant by these factors, which are vital for their economic status.
This sentence effectively uses a relative clause to add information, showing complexity.
Bad Example(s)
Taking everything into account , by utilizing advanced technologies such as smartphones by these local communities.
This sentence is fragmented and lacks a main verb, making it incomplete.
Tense Usage
Your use of tenses is generally consistent, especially with the present simple used for general truths. However, there are instances where tense consistency could be improved for clarity.
Grammatical Errors
countless local groups are trying to preserve their noticable culture
Correction:
countless local groups are trying to preserve their noticeable culture
countless local groups are trying to preserve their noticeable culture
The correct spelling is 'noticeable'.
youngsters immigration
Correction:
youngsters' immigration
youngsters' immigration
The possessive form is needed here to show that immigration belongs to the youngsters.
there is an increase in the youngsters immigration
Correction:
there is an increase in the immigration of youngsters
there is an increase in the immigration of youngsters
Improves clarity and corrects the structure.
in the rural areas which have heavy cultural heritage, they earning more money
Correction:
in the rural areas which have a heavy cultural heritage, they earn more money
in the rural areas which have a heavy cultural heritage, they earn more money
Subject-verb agreement and article use correction.
in resulte
Correction:
as a result
as a result
Corrects spelling and prepositional phrase usage.
introduce their elite and non-pasteurized culture globaly
Correction:
introduce their elite and unpasteurized culture globally
introduce their elite and unpasteurized culture globally
Corrects spelling and word choice for clarity.