Evaluation Report for General Writing Task 2 Two-part Question Essay Submission
Essay Evaluation
Question: Discuss the impact of advertising on unhealthy products, such as sugary snacks and beverages, on individuals' health choices. Should governments regulate such advertising?
Nowadays snacks and beverage foods become very popular among the young generation. while a common opinion is that there are enormous negative effects of advertising unhealthy products like chips, canned food, or drinking items and authorities should take some steps to alleviate the problem. I believe that the government should ban those advertisements for individuals' healthy life. In this essay, I will examine both phenomena and provide my overall opinion.
There are several positive impacts of banning the advertising of unhealthy foods. First of all, it causes health issues such as diarrhea, heart disease, cholera, and so on. Even though, whenever people watch their favorite celebrity promote something and say it is healthy, they become more attracted to the products. Consequently, after consuming those types of unhealthy food face health issues. secondly, young stars like to take chips, chocolate, snacks, and cold drinks while they are watching their favorite television shows or movies. As a result, lose their interest in healthy foods like vegetables and homemade cuisines. For Instance, the majority of kids spend their money on unhealthy food and sometimes they do not listen to their parent's advice in this particular segment.
On the other hand, there are few negative effects if the authorities ban those advertising then the company would suffer due to the drawbacks of their business. besides this, a vast amount of people would lose their work. For example, people will take the wrong way to earn money. Even they might be involved in crime.
I feel that the government should ban those advertisements because the negative impacts are far more dangerous than losing profits or jobs.
To conclude, in today's era snacks and canned foods are controversial topics in our society. so the government should take some effective way to minimize the problems.
Submitted on January 22, 2024 at 6:45 AM
Overall Evaluation
6 Bands
Your essay addresses the topic of banning advertisements for unhealthy foods and presents arguments for both sides before stating your opinion. You have structured your essay into paragraphs, each focusing on different aspects of the argument. However, there are several areas for improvement. Firstly, your introduction could more clearly outline the essay's structure. Secondly, your arguments would benefit from more detailed examples and evidence to strengthen your position. Additionally, watch out for grammatical errors and sentence structure to improve readability. Finally, your conclusion could more effectively summarize your arguments and restate your position. Overall, with refinement in these areas, your essay could more persuasively communicate your viewpoint.
In this part of essay evaluation, state of the art AI and ML algorithms trained on millions of essays analyze how well you have performed on all fronts of IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.
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6
Coherence & Cohesion
6 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a structured approach to the topic, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, linking phrases could be used more effectively to connect the points within paragraphs, thus improving overall coherence and cohesion.
In this part of essay evaluation, the laser-focused algorithms meticulously examine your essay’s structure, ensuring your ideas flow logically and cohesively.
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Logical Organization
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good. However, the flow of ideas between paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.
Good Sentence(s)
I feel that the government should ban those advertisements because the negative impacts are far more dangerous than losing profits or jobs.
This sentence effectively summarizes your stance and provides a strong, clear argument supporting your opinion.
Bad Sentence(s)
besides this, a vast amount of people would lose their work.
Corrected Sentence:
Besides this, banning advertisements could lead to job losses in the advertising and food industries, which is a concern that needs to be addressed.
Besides this, banning advertisements could lead to job losses in the advertising and food industries, which is a concern that needs to be addressed.
Clarify and expand on this point to show how it connects to the overall argument.
Suggestions
To enhance logical progression, make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Use transitional phrases to connect paragraphs and clarify how each idea contributes to your overall argument.
Paragraphing
Your paragraphs are structured around distinct ideas, which is good. However, some paragraphs could be developed further to enhance clarity and provide more detailed support for your arguments.
Bad Sentence(s)
On the other hand, there are few negative effects if the authorities ban those advertising then the company would suffer due to the drawbacks of their business.
Corrected Sentence:
On the other hand, banning these advertisements could have negative effects. Companies might suffer financially, impacting their business operations.
On the other hand, banning these advertisements could have negative effects. Companies might suffer financially, impacting their business operations.
Split this into two sentences for clarity and to improve the flow of ideas.
Suggestions
Focus on developing one main idea per paragraph. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and use supporting sentences to elaborate on that topic. This will make your paragraphs more focused and coherent.
Cohesive Devices
Your essay uses some cohesive devices, but their use could be more varied and precise to better link ideas and paragraphs together.
Suggestions
Improve your use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider variety of transitions, such as 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' and 'However.' Also, ensure that the devices you use accurately reflect the relationship between ideas.
Topic Sentences
Your topic sentences effectively set the stage for the paragraphs that follow, but they could be more specific to guide the reader through your argument more clearly.
Good Sentence(s)
There are several positive impacts of banning the advertising of unhealthy foods.
This sentence clearly introduces the paragraph's focus on the benefits of banning unhealthy food advertisements.
Bad Sentence(s)
On the other hand, there are few negative effects if the authorities ban those advertising then the company would suffer due to the drawbacks of their business.
Corrected Sentence:
However, banning these advertisements could negatively impact companies and lead to job losses.
However, banning these advertisements could negatively impact companies and lead to job losses.
Clarify and streamline the sentence to directly address the counterpoint.
Suggestions
To write clear and impactful topic sentences, start with a concise statement that reflects the main idea of the paragraph. Use active voice and specific language to directly address your argument or counterargument.
Counter Points
You have acknowledged counterpoints, but the exploration and integration of these viewpoints could be deeper to strengthen your argument.
Bad Sentence(s)
besides this, a vast amount of people would lose their work.
Corrected Sentence:
Moreover, a significant concern is that banning advertisements could lead to widespread job losses, impacting the economy.
Moreover, a significant concern is that banning advertisements could lead to widespread job losses, impacting the economy.
Expand on this counterpoint by explaining why job losses are a significant concern and how it relates to the broader argument.
Suggestions
To address and integrate counterarguments more effectively, clearly state the counterpoint, then use evidence or reasoning to explain why your position still holds stronger. This not only shows you've considered other viewpoints but also strengthens your argument.
Task Achievement
6 Bands
Overall, you have a clear stance and relevant examples, but your essay would benefit from more detailed support and a stronger conclusion. Ensure each point directly contributes to your argument and consider adding more concrete evidence or data.
In this part of essay evaluation, the system evaluates how effectively your essay fulfills the given question, focusing on its relevance and comprehensiveness.
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Response to Question
You addressed the question by discussing the impact of advertising unhealthy foods and suggesting a ban. However, the essay could be more directly focused on the question's specifics.
Good example(s)
I believe that the government should ban those advertisements for individuals' healthy life.
This sentence directly addresses the question by stating a clear position.
Development of Position
Your argument is clear but lacks depth. Expanding on the consequences of both banning and not banning such advertisements would strengthen your position.
Good example(s)
There are several positive impacts of banning the advertising of unhealthy foods.
It introduces the argument for banning effectively.
Supporting Details
Your examples are relevant but need more detail and evidence to be convincing. Including statistics or studies could enhance your argument.
Good example(s)
First of all, it causes health issues such as diarrhea, heart disease, cholera, and so on.
It provides specific health issues related to the consumption of unhealthy foods.
Bad Example(s)
For example, people will take the wrong way to earn money.
This is speculative and lacks a direct link to the argument about advertising bans.
Conclusion
Your conclusion summarizes the essay but could be stronger by reinforcing your main argument and suggesting broader implications or solutions.
Bad Example(s)
so the government should take some effective way to minimize the problems.
This sentence is vague and does not provide a strong, conclusive statement.
Lexical Resources
6 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary related to the topic of advertising and health. However, to enhance your lexical resource score, consider diversifying your word choices and paying closer attention to word usage and context. Avoiding repetition and ensuring accurate word choice will make your argument more compelling.
In this part of essay evaluation, the AI browses through 1,70,000+ words to analyze the diversity, suitability, and precision, reflecting high linguistic competence.
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Errors & Improvements
Based on the essay question, We have curated a list of suggested vocabulary that can improve the versatility of your writing skill. Utilise these words in your next essay to get your desired bands.
Lexical Mistakes
| Mistake | Correction | Reason |
|---|---|---|
| beverage foods | beverage products | 'Beverage foods' is not a common phrase. 'Beverage products' is more accurate for drinks. |
| young stars | youngsters | 'Young stars' might imply celebrities, whereas 'youngsters' clearly refers to young people. |
Repeated Words
| Repeated Words | Alternative Words |
|---|---|
unhealthy 5 times | harmful, detrimental, bad |
Vocabulary Suggestions
| Word Phrase | Meaning |
|---|---|
| mitigate To make less severe, serious, or painful. | To make less severe, serious, or painful. |
| pervasive Spreading widely throughout an area or a group of people. | Spreading widely throughout an area or a group of people. |
| sedentary lifestyle A way of life that involves little physical activity. | A way of life that involves little physical activity. |
| public health initiatives Programs or actions undertaken to improve health and prevent disease among the population. | Programs or actions undertaken to improve health and prevent disease among the population. |
| consumer behavior The study of individuals, groups, or organizations and the processes they use to select, secure, use, and dispose of products, services, experiences, or ideas to satisfy needs and the impacts that these processes have on the consumer and society. | The study of individuals, groups, or organizations and the processes they use to select, secure, use, and dispose of products, services, experiences, or ideas to satisfy needs and the impacts that these processes have on the consumer and society. |
Out of Context
lose their work
Corrected Sentence:
lose their jobs
lose their jobs
Discussing the impact of banning advertisements on unhealthy food.
Grammatical Range
6 Bands
Overall, your grammar demonstrates a good understanding of basic structures, but there are areas that need attention. Paying closer attention to verb usage, article use, and sentence complexity can significantly improve your writing. Additionally, watch out for run-on sentences and ensure that each sentence clearly conveys a single idea.
In this part of essay evaluation, the ML algorithms evaluate sentence structure, scrutinizing for grammatical precision and diversity — crucial for advanced language skills.
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Sentence Structures
Your essay demonstrates a mix of sentence structures, but there is room for improvement in terms of variety and complexity. Some sentences are overly simple or repetitive, which affects the overall flow and depth of your argument.
Good example(s)
For instance, the majority of kids spend their money on unhealthy food and sometimes they do not listen to their parent's advice in this particular segment.
This sentence effectively uses a specific example to support your argument, adding depth and clarity.
Bad Example(s)
On the other hand, there are few negative effects if the authorities ban those advertising then the company would suffer due to the drawbacks of their business.
This sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. It tries to convey multiple ideas at once, making it hard to follow.
Tense Usage
Your use of tenses is generally consistent, particularly with the present simple tense to discuss current issues and opinions. However, there are instances where tense consistency could be improved for clarity.
Good example(s)
I feel that the government should ban those advertisements because the negative impacts are far more dangerous than losing profits or jobs.
This sentence correctly uses the present simple tense to express your opinion, which is appropriate for this type of essay.
Bad Example(s)
Grammatical Errors
it causes health issues such as diarrhea, heart disease, cholera, and so on.
Correction:
it can cause health issues such as diarrhea, heart disease, cholera, and so on.
it can cause health issues such as diarrhea, heart disease, cholera, and so on.
Adding 'can' improves the sentence by indicating possibility rather than certainty, which is more accurate in this context.
secondly, young stars like to take chips, chocolate, snacks, and cold drinks while they are watching their favorite television shows or movies.
Correction:
Secondly, young stars like to consume chips, chocolate, snacks, and cold drinks while watching their favorite television shows or movies.
Secondly, young stars like to consume chips, chocolate, snacks, and cold drinks while watching their favorite television shows or movies.
Capitalization of 'Secondly' is necessary at the beginning of the sentence, and 'consume' is a more appropriate verb than 'take' in this context.
so the government should take some effective way to minimize the problems.
Correction:
so the government should find some effective ways to minimize the problems.
so the government should find some effective ways to minimize the problems.
The original sentence is awkwardly phrased. 'Find some effective ways' is clearer and grammatically correct.