Evaluation Report for General Writing Task 2 Comparison/Contrast Essay Submission
Essay Evaluation
Question: How does the preservation of cultural heritage compare to the modernization of society, and what are the impacts of each on community identity and historical continuity?
The impact of modern society on the cultural heritage, the communities' identity, and historical continuity. There are many sides that today's society has had on historical heritage. In this essay, I will discuss both the positive and negative sides.
The most positive side it has had was that it helped in the discovery of many historical items and stories. Due to technology and science evolving many archeologists have discovered new information which leads to historical figures and events. Last month I saw an article that says with the help of better technology we are one step closer to discovering the tomb of Genghis Khan which has been a secret well-kept from the Mongolian people and history fanatics. It also helps with documenting historical facts and tales, as paper copies can be easily hidden, destroyed, or manipulated over time. There are many stories of Genghis Khan's death that are different than the ones the majority of people know. That shows the inaccuracy of handwritten and verbal tales. And the many ways modern society and technology can help.
The negative side is that modern children have little to no interest in learning about their historical and cultural heritage as there is much content on the internet that is close to or much more entertaining than historical tales. Children nowadays would prefer watching a YouTube video over listening to stories told by grownups. That puts the historical continuity at risk as there would be close to no people researching and keeping up with history. Another bad side it has on the community would be that it brings out the whole truth. Some people look up to historical figures as their heroes and role models, but the technology of modern civilization brings out both the good and also bad sides of them, making it hard for some to look up to these historical figures after finding out about their wrongdoings. So, having the knowledge that we have may hurt the continuity of our history and heritage.
But there being some bad sides doesn't mean we will have no knowledge of our past in the future. As I have said new technology helps us document our history better, and children losing interest doesn't mean that all of them will. In the future, there still will be people who research, and continue our heritage and history.
The most positive side it has had was that it helped in the discovery of many historical items and stories. Due to technology and science evolving many archeologists have discovered new information which leads to historical figures and events. Last month I saw an article that says with the help of better technology we are one step closer to discovering the tomb of Genghis Khan which has been a secret well-kept from the Mongolian people and history fanatics. It also helps with documenting historical facts and tales, as paper copies can be easily hidden, destroyed, or manipulated over time. There are many stories of Genghis Khan's death that are different than the ones the majority of people know. That shows the inaccuracy of handwritten and verbal tales. And the many ways modern society and technology can help.
The negative side is that modern children have little to no interest in learning about their historical and cultural heritage as there is much content on the internet that is close to or much more entertaining than historical tales. Children nowadays would prefer watching a YouTube video over listening to stories told by grownups. That puts the historical continuity at risk as there would be close to no people researching and keeping up with history. Another bad side it has on the community would be that it brings out the whole truth. Some people look up to historical figures as their heroes and role models, but the technology of modern civilization brings out both the good and also bad sides of them, making it hard for some to look up to these historical figures after finding out about their wrongdoings. So, having the knowledge that we have may hurt the continuity of our history and heritage.
But there being some bad sides doesn't mean we will have no knowledge of our past in the future. As I have said new technology helps us document our history better, and children losing interest doesn't mean that all of them will. In the future, there still will be people who research, and continue our heritage and history.
Submitted on April 18, 2024 at 8:19 AM
Overall Evaluation
6.5 Bands
Your essay effectively addresses the topic, discussing both the positive and negative impacts of modern society on cultural heritage, community identity, and historical continuity. You provide clear examples to support your points, such as the potential discovery of Genghis Khan's tomb due to modern technology, which strengthens your argument about the benefits of modernization. However, your essay could be improved by providing a more structured argument. It's advisable to introduce your main points in the introduction, then discuss each in separate paragraphs, and finally, summarize them in the conclusion for better clarity and coherence. Additionally, incorporating more varied sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary could enhance the quality of your writing and make your argument more compelling. To further improve, consider discussing potential solutions or ways to balance the preservation of cultural heritage with modernization. This would provide a more rounded perspective and demonstrate critical thinking. Overall, your essay is informative and addresses the question, but refining its structure and depth could lead to a higher band score.
In this part of essay evaluation, state of the art AI and ML algorithms trained on millions of essays analyze how well you have performed on all fronts of IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.
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6.5
Coherence & Cohesion
6.5 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a clear structure, with paragraphs dedicated to discussing the impacts of modern society on cultural heritage. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, directly comparing the preservation of cultural heritage with modernization within each paragraph would improve coherence. For example, when discussing the positive impacts of technology, immediately contrast this with the potential loss of interest in cultural heritage among the youth, linking both to the overarching theme of community identity and historical continuity.
In this part of essay evaluation, the laser-focused algorithms meticulously examine your essay’s structure, ensuring your ideas flow logically and cohesively.
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Logical Organization
Your essay presents a balanced view of the impacts of modern society on cultural heritage, which is good. However, the flow between paragraphs could be improved for a smoother transition of ideas.
Good Sentence(s)
Due to technology and science evolving many archeologists have discovered new information which leads to historical figures and events.
This sentence effectively introduces a positive aspect of modernization on cultural heritage.
Bad Sentence(s)
Another bad side it has on the community would be that it brings out the whole truth.
Corrected Sentence:
Another challenge modern society poses is its revelation of uncomfortable truths about historical figures, which can disillusion the community.
Another challenge modern society poses is its revelation of uncomfortable truths about historical figures, which can disillusion the community.
Clarify the idea and make the transition smoother.
Suggestions
To enhance logical progression, use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and transitional phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
Paragraphing
Your paragraphs are clear and generally well-structured, but some could benefit from more focused topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument.
Bad Sentence(s)
The negative side is that modern children have little to no interest in learning about their historical and cultural heritage as there is much content on the internet that is close to or much more entertaining than historical tales.
Corrected Sentence:
A significant drawback is modern children's dwindling interest in their historical and cultural heritage. The plethora of entertaining content on the internet often overshadows traditional historical tales.
A significant drawback is modern children's dwindling interest in their historical and cultural heritage. The plethora of entertaining content on the internet often overshadows traditional historical tales.
Split complex ideas into more than one sentence for clarity.
Suggestions
Focus on creating paragraphs that start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence that ties back to your main argument. This structure will help in making your paragraphs more coherent.
Cohesive Devices
Your use of cohesive devices is adequate, but there's room for improvement in terms of variety and effectiveness.
Suggestions
To improve your use of cohesive devices, try incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases that not only show addition ('also', 'furthermore') but also contrast ('however', 'on the other hand') and cause-effect ('therefore', 'as a result'). This will enhance the flow of your essay.
Topic Sentences
Your topic sentences provide a clear outline of the essay's direction, but they could be more impactful by directly addressing the comparison between cultural heritage preservation and modernization.
Good Sentence(s)
The most positive side it has had was that it helped in the discovery of many historical items and stories.
This sentence effectively introduces the positive impacts of modernization on cultural heritage.
Bad Sentence(s)
The negative side is that modern children have little to no interest in learning about their historical and cultural heritage.
Corrected Sentence:
A significant drawback of modernization is its role in diminishing young people's interest in their cultural and historical heritage.
A significant drawback of modernization is its role in diminishing young people's interest in their cultural and historical heritage.
Clarify the connection between modernization and diminishing interest in cultural heritage more explicitly to strengthen the topic sentence.
Suggestions
To write clear and impactful topic sentences, start with a concise summary of the paragraph's main point. Ensure it directly addresses the essay question, making a clear link between the topic and your argument or analysis.
Counter Points
You have made an effort to present both sides of the argument, which is commendable. However, the integration of these contrasting viewpoints could be smoother to enhance the overall persuasiveness of your essay.
Good Sentence(s)
But there being some bad sides doesn't mean we will have no knowledge of our past in the future.
This sentence effectively acknowledges a counterpoint to the previously mentioned negative aspects, suggesting a balanced view.
Bad Sentence(s)
Another bad side it has on the community would be that it brings out the whole truth.
Corrected Sentence:
A challenging aspect of modernization is its revelation of uncomfortable truths about historical figures, which complicates the preservation of idealized narratives.
A challenging aspect of modernization is its revelation of uncomfortable truths about historical figures, which complicates the preservation of idealized narratives.
Rephrase to directly link the idea of 'the whole truth' as a counterpoint to the preservation of heroic narratives, clarifying its impact.
Suggestions
To address and integrate counterarguments more effectively, explicitly state the counterargument before refuting or supporting it with evidence. This structure clarifies your stance and strengthens your argument by showing you have considered multiple viewpoints.
Task Achievement
6 Bands
Overall, you have made a commendable effort to address the topic. However, for a higher band score, focus on making a clearer comparison between the preservation of cultural heritage and modernization, providing more detailed examples and directly linking them to the impacts on community identity and historical continuity. Also, ensure your conclusion effectively encapsulates your discussion and stance.
In this part of essay evaluation, the system evaluates how effectively your essay fulfills the given question, focusing on its relevance and comprehensiveness.
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Response to Question
You've addressed the question by discussing both the positive and negative impacts of modern society on cultural heritage. However, your essay could benefit from a clearer comparison between preservation and modernization.
Good example(s)
Due to technology and science evolving many archeologists have discovered new information which leads to historical figures and events.
This sentence effectively highlights how modernization contributes positively to the preservation of cultural heritage.
Bad Example(s)
Another bad side it has on the community would be that it brings out the whole truth.
This sentence is vague and does not clearly explain how revealing the truth negatively impacts the preservation of cultural heritage.
Development of Position
Your argument presents both sides of the issue but lacks a strong, clear stance on how preservation and modernization compare and their specific impacts on community identity and historical continuity.
Good example(s)
It also helps with documenting historical facts and tales, as paper copies can be easily hidden, destroyed, or manipulated over time.
This sentence effectively develops the position that modernization aids in preserving cultural heritage.
Bad Example(s)
Children nowadays would prefer watching a YouTube video over listening to stories told by grownups.
This sentence, while illustrating a challenge, does not effectively tie back to the overall argument about the impact on community identity and historical continuity.
Supporting Details
Your examples are relevant but need to be more detailed and directly connected to the impacts on community identity and historical continuity to strengthen your argument.
Good example(s)
Last month I saw an article that says with the help of better technology we are one step closer to discovering the tomb of Genghis Khan which has been a secret well-kept from the Mongolian people and history fanatics.
This detail supports the positive impact of modernization on uncovering historical facts.
Bad Example(s)
That puts the historical continuity at risk as there would be close to no people researching and keeping up with history.
This claim is speculative and lacks evidence or further explanation to support its impact on historical continuity.
Conclusion
Your conclusion acknowledges the existence of both positive and negative sides but could be strengthened by summarizing how these impacts balance or outweigh each other in terms of cultural preservation and modernization.
Lexical Resources
6.5 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of cultural heritage and modernization. You've managed to articulate the complex relationship between technological advancements and historical preservation effectively. However, there's room for improvement in diversifying your vocabulary to avoid repetition and ensure precision in your language use.
In this part of essay evaluation, the AI browses through 1,70,000+ words to analyze the diversity, suitability, and precision, reflecting high linguistic competence.
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Errors & Improvements
Based on the essay question, We have curated a list of suggested vocabulary that can improve the versatility of your writing skill. Utilise these words in your next essay to get your desired bands.
Repeated Words
| Repeated Words | Alternative Words |
|---|---|
history 5 times | past, heritage, chronicle, annals, tradition |
modern 4 times | contemporary, current, up-to-date, new-age, advanced |
Vocabulary Suggestions
| Word Phrase | Meaning |
|---|---|
| archaeological Relating to the study of human history through the excavation of sites and the analysis of artifacts and other physical remains. | Relating to the study of human history through the excavation of sites and the analysis of artifacts and other physical remains. |
| digitization The process of converting information into a digital format, in this context, referring to historical documents and artifacts. | The process of converting information into a digital format, in this context, referring to historical documents and artifacts. |
| cultural assimilation The process by which a person or a group's language and/or culture come to resemble those of another group. | The process by which a person or a group's language and/or culture come to resemble those of another group. |
| preservation The act of maintaining, protecting, or keeping something in its original or existing state. | The act of maintaining, protecting, or keeping something in its original or existing state. |
| disenchantment A feeling of disappointment about someone or something you previously respected or admired; disillusionment. | A feeling of disappointment about someone or something you previously respected or admired; disillusionment. |
Grammatical Range
7.5 Bands
Overall, your grammar is quite strong, with only minor errors that don't significantly hinder comprehension. Your sentence structures are varied, which is good, but try to ensure that complex sentences are as clear as possible. Pay attention to the clarity and precision of your phrasing to avoid ambiguity or awkwardness. Enhancing these aspects will make your writing more effective and engaging.
In this part of essay evaluation, the ML algorithms evaluate sentence structure, scrutinizing for grammatical precision and diversity — crucial for advanced language skills.
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Learn more about grammar evaluation
Sentence Structures
Your essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including both simple and complex sentences that contribute to a clear argument. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety to enhance readability and engagement.
Good example(s)
Due to technology and science evolving many archeologists have discovered new information which leads to historical figures and events.
This sentence effectively combines cause and effect with a complex structure that adds depth to your argument.
Bad Example(s)
Another bad side it has on the community would be that it brings out the whole truth.
This sentence is awkwardly phrased and could be clearer. A better structure might be: 'Another negative impact on the community is the revelation of the whole truth about historical figures.'
Tense Usage
Your use of tenses is generally consistent and correct, aligning well with the narrative and analytical needs of your essay. You effectively use the present tense to discuss current impacts and the past tense for historical examples.
Good example(s)
Last month I saw an article that says with the help of better technology we are one step closer to discovering the tomb of Genghis Khan...
This sentence skillfully mixes past and present tense to relate a recent discovery to ongoing efforts, which is both correct and engaging.
Grammatical Errors
Another bad side it has on the community would be that it brings out the whole truth.
Correction:
Another negative impact it has on the community is that it reveals the whole truth.
Another negative impact it has on the community is that it reveals the whole truth.
The original sentence was awkwardly constructed and lacked clarity. The correction simplifies and clarifies the meaning.
Children nowadays would prefer watching a YouTube video over listening to stories told by grownups.
Correction:
Nowadays, children would prefer to watch YouTube videos rather than listen to stories told by adults.
Nowadays, children would prefer to watch YouTube videos rather than listen to stories told by adults.
The original sentence was grammatically correct but slightly awkward. The correction improves flow and clarity.