Evaluation Report for General Writing Task 2 Double Question Essay Submission
Essay Evaluation
Question: As urbanization increases and more individuals from rural areas move to cities, how can traditional cultural practices and heritage be effectively preserved? Additionally, in an age where electronic devices dominate leisure activities, what steps can be taken to ensure that younger generations remain connected to and value their cultural heritage?
Cultural heritage and traditions are important however Mongolians are mainly a rural nomadic country to this day that is rooted in its deep history, culture, and traditions to this day however the young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
Why have the younger generations started moving to the bigger cities you may ask the reason is education, work, or animal care you must have been educated in whatever field you want, most must be educated in the field they are interested in some might study here and go back to the countryside but most people stay in the bigger cities for work, further education, or they might want to go to another country for their masters or immigration.
Sadly, we as Mongolian people are slowly losing our cultural heritage and traditions however we can preserve our heritage and traditions if we act fast and swiftly by showing them in museums, teaching them the customs for practical purposes so that future generations don't rely on technology when in a scenario technology is gone or if it gets to a point were technology and artificial intelligence gets to intelligent and tries to overthrow the human population.
In conclusion, it is great that the younger generation is moving to the bigger cities for education and work however we must preserve our history. culture and traditions,
Why have the younger generations started moving to the bigger cities you may ask the reason is education, work, or animal care you must have been educated in whatever field you want, most must be educated in the field they are interested in some might study here and go back to the countryside but most people stay in the bigger cities for work, further education, or they might want to go to another country for their masters or immigration.
Sadly, we as Mongolian people are slowly losing our cultural heritage and traditions however we can preserve our heritage and traditions if we act fast and swiftly by showing them in museums, teaching them the customs for practical purposes so that future generations don't rely on technology when in a scenario technology is gone or if it gets to a point were technology and artificial intelligence gets to intelligent and tries to overthrow the human population.
In conclusion, it is great that the younger generation is moving to the bigger cities for education and work however we must preserve our history. culture and traditions,
Submitted on April 10, 2024 at 7:26 AM
Overall Evaluation
5.5 Bands
Your essay addresses the critical issue of preserving cultural heritage amidst urbanization and the dominance of electronic devices. You provide a specific context by focusing on Mongolia, which adds depth to your argument. However, there are several areas for improvement. Firstly, your essay could benefit from a clearer structure, including distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, to enhance readability and coherence. Secondly, while you touch upon reasons for urban migration and suggest methods for preserving culture, these ideas could be developed further with more detailed examples and explanations. Additionally, your essay would benefit from a more thorough exploration of the second part of the question regarding electronic devices and their impact on cultural engagement among the youth. Lastly, paying attention to grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure will improve the overall quality of your writing. Incorporating these changes could significantly elevate your essay's effectiveness and coherence.
In this part of essay evaluation, state of the art AI and ML algorithms trained on millions of essays analyze how well you have performed on all fronts of IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.
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5.5
Coherence & Cohesion
4.5 Bands
In this part of essay evaluation, the laser-focused algorithms meticulously examine your essay’s structure, ensuring your ideas flow logically and cohesively.
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Logical Organization
Your essay lacks a clear structure and idea flow, which makes it challenging to follow your argument. The introduction, development of ideas, and conclusion could be more distinct and logically connected. Overall, I would rate the logical organization a 4.5.
Bad Sentence(s)
Cultural heritage and traditions are important however Mongolians are mainly a rural nomadic country to this day that is rooted in its deep history, culture, and traditions to this day however the young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
Corrected Sentence:
Cultural heritage and traditions are important. Mongolia, mainly a rural nomadic country, is deeply rooted in its history, culture, and traditions. However, young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
Cultural heritage and traditions are important. Mongolia, mainly a rural nomadic country, is deeply rooted in its history, culture, and traditions. However, young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
Split the sentence for clarity and avoid repetition.
Sadly, we as Mongolian people are slowly losing our cultural heritage and traditions however we can preserve our heritage and traditions if we act fast and swiftly by showing them in museums, teaching them the customs for practical purposes so that future generations don't rely on technology when in a scenario technology is gone or if it gets to a point were technology and artificial intelligence gets to intelligent and tries to overthrow the human population.
Corrected Sentence:
Sadly, we, as Mongolian people, are slowly losing our cultural heritage and traditions. However, we can preserve our heritage and traditions by acting swiftly. This can be done by showcasing them in museums and teaching the customs for practical purposes. Such measures ensure that future generations do not solely rely on technology, preparing them for scenarios where technology may fail or become overly dominant.
Sadly, we, as Mongolian people, are slowly losing our cultural heritage and traditions. However, we can preserve our heritage and traditions by acting swiftly. This can be done by showcasing them in museums and teaching the customs for practical purposes. Such measures ensure that future generations do not solely rely on technology, preparing them for scenarios where technology may fail or become overly dominant.
Break down the sentence into smaller parts to improve readability and coherence.
Suggestions
To enhance logical progression, start by outlining your essay before writing. Include an introduction that presents the topic, followed by body paragraphs that each introduce a single idea related to the topic, and conclude with a summary that ties all your points together. Use transition words to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
Paragraphing
Your paragraphs are not clearly defined, which affects the overall clarity and structure of the essay. I would rate the paragraphing a 4.0.
Bad Sentence(s)
Your entire essay appears as one large paragraph.
Corrected Sentence:
Introduction: Start with a statement about the importance of cultural heritage. Body Paragraphs: Discuss reasons for urban migration and its effects on cultural practices, followed by potential preservation methods. Conclusion: Summarize the importance of balancing urbanization with cultural preservation.
Introduction: Start with a statement about the importance of cultural heritage. Body Paragraphs: Discuss reasons for urban migration and its effects on cultural practices, followed by potential preservation methods. Conclusion: Summarize the importance of balancing urbanization with cultural preservation.
Divide your essay into an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion to improve readability.
Suggestions
Focus on structuring your essay into clear paragraphs. Start with an introductory paragraph, followed by several body paragraphs that each address a specific point or argument, and conclude with a summary or conclusion. This will make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
Cohesive Devices
Your use of cohesive devices is limited, affecting the flow and coherence of the essay. I would rate it a 4.0.
Bad Sentence(s)
Cultural heritage and traditions are important however Mongolians are mainly a rural nomadic country to this day that is rooted in its deep history, culture, and traditions to this day however the young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
Corrected Sentence:
Cultural heritage and traditions are important. However, despite Mongolia's deep-rooted history, culture, and traditions, young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
Cultural heritage and traditions are important. However, despite Mongolia's deep-rooted history, culture, and traditions, young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
Use conjunctions or transitional phrases to better connect ideas.
Suggestions
Improve your use of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of transitions to connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs. Examples include 'however', 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'consequently'. This will enhance the flow and coherence of your essay.
Topic Sentences
Your topic sentences need improvement to better introduce and structure the main ideas of each paragraph.
Bad Sentence(s)
Cultural heritage and traditions are important however Mongolians are mainly a rural nomadic country to this day that is rooted in its deep history, culture, and traditions to this day however the young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
Corrected Sentence:
Cultural heritage and traditions are crucial for Mongolians, deeply rooted in a nomadic lifestyle. However, the trend of young people moving to larger cities poses a challenge to preserving these traditions.
Cultural heritage and traditions are crucial for Mongolians, deeply rooted in a nomadic lifestyle. However, the trend of young people moving to larger cities poses a challenge to preserving these traditions.
Split the sentence to focus on one main idea, and clarify the connection between urbanization and cultural preservation.
Suggestions
To write clear and impactful topic sentences, start each paragraph with a sentence that introduces the main idea clearly and concisely. Avoid combining too many ideas in one sentence, and make sure each topic sentence directly addresses the question.
Counter Points
Your essay lacks a clear structure for addressing counterpoints. While you mention the issue of technology and its impact on cultural heritage, you do not fully explore or integrate contrasting viewpoints.
Bad Sentence(s)
Sadly, we as Mongolian people are slowly losing our cultural heritage and traditions however we can preserve our heritage and traditions if we act fast and swiftly by showing them in museums, teaching them the customs for practical purposes so that future generations don't rely on technology when in a scenario technology is gone or if it gets to a point were technology and artificial intelligence gets to intelligent and tries to overthrow the human population.
Corrected Sentence:
The gradual loss of Mongolian cultural heritage is concerning. Yet, by actively engaging in preservation efforts, such as museum exhibits and practical customs teaching, we can ensure its survival against the pervasive influence of technology.
The gradual loss of Mongolian cultural heritage is concerning. Yet, by actively engaging in preservation efforts, such as museum exhibits and practical customs teaching, we can ensure its survival against the pervasive influence of technology.
Break down the sentence to improve clarity and directly address how to counteract the challenges posed by technology.
Suggestions
To better address and integrate counterarguments, clearly identify potential opposing viewpoints or challenges related to your main argument. Then, directly respond to these points by providing evidence or reasoning that supports your position. This structure helps to create a more balanced and persuasive essay.
Task Achievement
5 Bands
Overall, your essay addresses the question but lacks depth in analysis and specificity in examples. Focusing on clear, structured arguments and incorporating specific strategies for cultural preservation would enhance your essay. Additionally, refining your conclusion to more forcefully restate your position would improve its impact.
In this part of essay evaluation, the system evaluates how effectively your essay fulfills the given question, focusing on its relevance and comprehensiveness.
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Response to Question
You've touched on the key aspects of the question but could delve deeper into specific strategies for preserving cultural heritage amidst urbanization and technological advancement.
Good example(s)
Sadly, we as Mongolian people are slowly losing our cultural heritage and traditions however we can preserve our heritage and traditions if we act fast and swiftly.
This sentence acknowledges the problem and suggests urgency in preservation, aligning with the essay question.
Bad Example(s)
Why have the younger generations started moving to the bigger cities you may ask the reason is education, work, or animal care you must have been educated in whatever field you want, most must be educated in the field they are interested in some might study here and go back to the countryside but most people stay in the bigger cities for work, further education, or they might want to go to another country for their masters or immigration.
This sentence is overly long and somewhat off-topic, diluting the focus on cultural preservation.
Development of Position
Your argument's foundation is visible but needs clearer structure and stronger emphasis on solutions to make your point more compelling.
Bad Example(s)
In conclusion, it is great that the younger generation is moving to the bigger cities for education and work however we must preserve our history. culture and traditions,
This conclusion lacks a strong restatement of your position and does not effectively summarize the essay's arguments.
Supporting Details
Your essay lacks concrete examples and detailed explanations on how to preserve cultural heritage, which would make your arguments more convincing.
Bad Example(s)
teaching them the customs for practical purposes so that future generations don't rely on technology when in a scenario technology is gone or if it gets to a point were technology and artificial intelligence gets to intelligent and tries to overthrow the human population.
This detail is unrealistic and detracts from the credibility of your argument.
Conclusion
Your conclusion needs to more effectively encapsulate the essay's main points and reiterate the importance of the issue.
Bad Example(s)
In conclusion, it is great that the younger generation is moving to the bigger cities for education and work however we must preserve our history. culture and traditions,
This repeats the earlier critique; it's too brief and lacks a powerful closing statement.
Lexical Resources
6 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, but there are areas where lexical resources could be enhanced for better clarity and impact. The use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety in some sections, which could be improved to make your arguments more compelling. Additionally, there are instances where the choice of words or phrases could be more precise to accurately convey your message.
In this part of essay evaluation, the AI browses through 1,70,000+ words to analyze the diversity, suitability, and precision, reflecting high linguistic competence.
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Errors & Improvements
Based on the essay question, We have curated a list of suggested vocabulary that can improve the versatility of your writing skill. Utilise these words in your next essay to get your desired bands.
Lexical Mistakes
| Mistake | Correction | Reason |
|---|---|---|
| to this day | even now | To avoid repetition and enhance readability. |
| were technology and artificial intelligence gets to intelligent | where technology and artificial intelligence become too intelligent | Grammatical accuracy and clarity. |
Repeated Words
| Repeated Words | Alternative Words |
|---|---|
traditions 4 times | customs, heritage, practices |
to this day 2 times | even now, currently |
bigger cities 3 times | urban centers, metropolitan areas |
Vocabulary Suggestions
| Word Phrase | Meaning |
|---|---|
| Preservation The act of maintaining, protecting, or keeping something in its original state or in good condition. | The act of maintaining, protecting, or keeping something in its original state or in good condition. |
| Cultural assimilation The process by which a person or a group's language and/or culture come to resemble those of another group. | The process by which a person or a group's language and/or culture come to resemble those of another group. |
| Intangible heritage Practices, representations, expressions, knowledge, skills – as well as the instruments, objects, artifacts, and cultural spaces associated therewith – that communities, groups, and, in some cases, individuals recognize as part of their cultural heritage. | Practices, representations, expressions, knowledge, skills – as well as the instruments, objects, artifacts, and cultural spaces associated therewith – that communities, groups, and, in some cases, individuals recognize as part of their cultural heritage. |
| Urban migration The process by which individuals or groups move from rural areas to urban areas, often in search of better employment opportunities and living conditions. | The process by which individuals or groups move from rural areas to urban areas, often in search of better employment opportunities and living conditions. |
| Digital detox A period of time during which a person refrains from using electronic devices such as smartphones or computers, regarded as an opportunity to reduce stress or focus on social interaction in the physical world. | A period of time during which a person refrains from using electronic devices such as smartphones or computers, regarded as an opportunity to reduce stress or focus on social interaction in the physical world. |
Grammatical Range
5.5 Bands
Your essay shows an understanding of basic grammar, but there are several areas for improvement. Issues such as subject-verb agreement, word choice ('were' instead of 'where'), and the correct use of comparatives ('too intelligent' instead of 'to intelligent') need attention. Additionally, the essay would benefit from more varied sentence structures to enhance readability and coherence. Focusing on these areas can significantly improve the overall quality of your writing.
In this part of essay evaluation, the ML algorithms evaluate sentence structure, scrutinizing for grammatical precision and diversity — crucial for advanced language skills.
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Sentence Structures
Your essay demonstrates a basic understanding of sentence structure, but it lacks variety and complexity. Most sentences are simple or compound, with limited use of complex sentences that could enhance the depth and clarity of your arguments.
Bad Example(s)
Cultural heritage and traditions are important however Mongolians are mainly a rural nomadic country to this day that is rooted in its deep history, culture, and traditions to this day however the young people have started moving to the bigger cities.
This sentence is overly long and repetitive, with 'to this day' repeated unnecessarily. It also improperly uses 'however' twice, which disrupts the flow and clarity.
Tense Usage
Your use of tenses is generally consistent, primarily sticking to the present simple to discuss current situations and general truths. However, there are instances where tense usage could be more precise to clearly distinguish between ongoing trends and general statements.
Grammatical Errors
Mongolians are mainly a rural nomadic country
Correction:
Mongolia is mainly a rural nomadic country
Mongolia is mainly a rural nomadic country
The subject 'Mongolians' refers to the people, not the country. The correct subject for the verb 'is' should be 'Mongolia'.
were technology and artificial intelligence gets to intelligent
Correction:
where technology and artificial intelligence become too intelligent
where technology and artificial intelligence become too intelligent
The correct word is 'where' not 'were', and 'gets to intelligent' should be 'become too intelligent' for correct tense and adjective usage.