Evaluation Report for General Writing Task 2 Advantage/Disadvantage Essay Submission
Essay Evaluation
Question: Some people argue that companies should have an equal number of male and female employees in all roles to promote gender equality, while others believe hiring should be based solely on qualifications regardless of gender. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each viewpoint.
It is often debated in masses that gender equality should be promoted by giving equal job opportunities to men and women in offices or cooporate sector while some people believe that recruiting should only be based on one's qualification than its gender. Both these views are correct to certain level and flexibility should be shown during this situation. This essay will discuss both these views and will end up with logical statement.
In this era of mass communication and development, men and women are playing their part in society regardless of their gender. In ancient times, it was considered that men can perform better in every job and women were solely confined to their household chores. As time passes by, this point of view get wrong, due to surprising performance of women as compared to men. Now it is mandatory for companies/industries to recruit women for the welfare of their own business. Women are multitasker, handle difficult situations with patience and they can take logical decisions. Whereas men can do physical and exhausting work in office or outside of company. A regulation was passed in China in 2019, that every office should hire equal number of men and women to show their solidarity to gender equality rights. They recorded striking results of economic growth in their country. Hence, men and women should work simultanously for the betterment of their company and country.
Undeniable factor promotes the gender equality, but sometimes people with enormous experience and qualification get ignored during this process. Companies to maintain their image in society would rather go with the flow as compared to follow a sensible path. Most of times, people who have essential work profile and educational biodate are unable to secure a position in office due to their basic rules or regulations that define the equality in male and female. This leads to upsurge in unemployment rates and anxiety issues in society. Russia, who proposed to curtail these in 2030, by regulating a law that will enforce the recruiters to go for talent hunt rather than gender equality. This will ultimately motivates both men and women to excel themselves in their career by using their mind instead of their gender. Thus, jobs should be provided by taking in account the educational experience as compared to gender.
In my opinion, gender equality should be promoted but ignorance of talent on the basis of gender is unacceptable. '
In conclusion, some people consider that companies should promote the gender equality while hiring the employees whereas some people argue that it will lead to turn a blind eye for higher educational experience. I strongly believe that a person should be hired on the basic of his qualification rather than his gender identity.
In this era of mass communication and development, men and women are playing their part in society regardless of their gender. In ancient times, it was considered that men can perform better in every job and women were solely confined to their household chores. As time passes by, this point of view get wrong, due to surprising performance of women as compared to men. Now it is mandatory for companies/industries to recruit women for the welfare of their own business. Women are multitasker, handle difficult situations with patience and they can take logical decisions. Whereas men can do physical and exhausting work in office or outside of company. A regulation was passed in China in 2019, that every office should hire equal number of men and women to show their solidarity to gender equality rights. They recorded striking results of economic growth in their country. Hence, men and women should work simultanously for the betterment of their company and country.
Undeniable factor promotes the gender equality, but sometimes people with enormous experience and qualification get ignored during this process. Companies to maintain their image in society would rather go with the flow as compared to follow a sensible path. Most of times, people who have essential work profile and educational biodate are unable to secure a position in office due to their basic rules or regulations that define the equality in male and female. This leads to upsurge in unemployment rates and anxiety issues in society. Russia, who proposed to curtail these in 2030, by regulating a law that will enforce the recruiters to go for talent hunt rather than gender equality. This will ultimately motivates both men and women to excel themselves in their career by using their mind instead of their gender. Thus, jobs should be provided by taking in account the educational experience as compared to gender.
In my opinion, gender equality should be promoted but ignorance of talent on the basis of gender is unacceptable. '
In conclusion, some people consider that companies should promote the gender equality while hiring the employees whereas some people argue that it will lead to turn a blind eye for higher educational experience. I strongly believe that a person should be hired on the basic of his qualification rather than his gender identity.
Submitted on June 25, 2024 at 1:12 PM
Overall Evaluation
6.5 Bands
Your essay addresses the topic by discussing both viewpoints on gender equality versus qualification-based hiring, and you conclude with a personal stance, which is good practice for IELTS Writing Task 2. However, there are several areas for improvement. Firstly, your introduction could be more engaging by directly stating the advantages and disadvantages of each viewpoint to give the reader a clear roadmap of your essay. Your argumentation is relevant but needs more depth and specific examples to strengthen your points. The essay lacks coherence in some parts, making it a bit difficult to follow. Transition words are used, but more variety could improve the flow. Pay attention to grammatical errors and sentence structure to enhance readability. Additionally, providing more concrete evidence, such as studies or statistics, would make your arguments more convincing. Finally, ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes the discussed viewpoints and clearly states your position without introducing new information. Overall, your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic but could benefit from clearer argumentation, better organization, and more rigorous proofreading to achieve a higher band score.
In this part of essay evaluation, state of the art AI and ML algorithms trained on millions of essays analyze how well you have performed on all fronts of IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.
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6.5
Coherence & Cohesion
6.5 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the debate on gender equality versus qualification-based hiring. Strengths include the logical flow of ideas and the clear structure of your argument. However, there are areas for improvement in linking these ideas more explicitly to enhance the overall coherence. For instance, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother, and the relationship between gender equality and business performance could be more directly explored. Additionally, the conclusion could more effectively summarize the discussion and restate your stance, reinforcing the essay's coherence.
In this part of essay evaluation, the laser-focused algorithms meticulously examine your essay’s structure, ensuring your ideas flow logically and cohesively.
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Logical Organization
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the flow between ideas could be improved for better coherence.
Good Sentence(s)
Now it is mandatory for companies/industries to recruit women for the welfare of their own business.
This sentence effectively introduces the idea that gender diversity can contribute to business success.
Bad Sentence(s)
Both these views are correct to certain level and flexibility should be shown during this situation.
Corrected Sentence:
Both viewpoints have merits, and a flexible approach should be considered to balance gender equality with qualification-based hiring.
Both viewpoints have merits, and a flexible approach should be considered to balance gender equality with qualification-based hiring.
Clarify the statement by specifying how flexibility can be applied.
Suggestions
To enhance logical progression, make sure to clearly state your thesis in the introduction and use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
Paragraphing
Your paragraphs are generally clear and well-structured, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion.
Bad Sentence(s)
Undeniable factor promotes the gender equality, but sometimes people with enormous experience and qualification get ignored during this process.
Corrected Sentence:
Promoting gender equality is undeniable. However, this approach sometimes leads to overlooking highly experienced and qualified individuals.
Promoting gender equality is undeniable. However, this approach sometimes leads to overlooking highly experienced and qualified individuals.
Split complex ideas into simpler, focused sentences for clarity.
Suggestions
For more focused and coherent paragraphs, ensure each one begins with a clear topic sentence that indicates the main idea to be discussed. Follow this with supporting sentences that directly relate to this main idea.
Cohesive Devices
Your use of cohesive devices is adequate, but there's room for improvement to enhance the flow and coherence of your essay.
Bad Sentence(s)
As time passes by, this point of view get wrong, due to surprising performance of women as compared to men.
Corrected Sentence:
Over time, this viewpoint was proven wrong by the surprising performance of women, which often surpassed that of men.
Over time, this viewpoint was proven wrong by the surprising performance of women, which often surpassed that of men.
Improve the sentence structure for better clarity and coherence.
Suggestions
To improve your use of cohesive devices, focus on using a variety of linking words and phrases to show the relationship between ideas, such as 'furthermore' for adding information, 'however' for contrasting, and 'therefore' for showing consequence.
Topic Sentences
Your topic sentences provide a clear indication of the direction of each paragraph, effectively setting the stage for the discussion on gender equality and qualification-based hiring. However, they could be sharpened to better guide the reader through your argument.
Good Sentence(s)
In this era of mass communication and development, men and women are playing their part in society regardless of their gender.
This sentence effectively introduces the idea that gender roles in the workforce are evolving, setting a positive tone for the discussion on gender equality.
Undeniable factor promotes the gender equality, but sometimes people with enormous experience and qualification get ignored during this process.
This sentence adeptly sets up the paragraph that discusses the disadvantages of prioritizing gender equality over qualifications, indicating a balanced view.
Bad Sentence(s)
This essay will discuss both these views and will end up with logical statement.
Corrected Sentence:
This essay will explore the merits and drawbacks of each viewpoint before concluding with a reasoned argument.
This essay will explore the merits and drawbacks of each viewpoint before concluding with a reasoned argument.
Clarify the purpose of the essay more directly and assertively to engage the reader.
Suggestions
To write clear and impactful topic sentences, start with a concise summary of the paragraph's main argument or point. Use active voice and ensure each topic sentence directly relates to the essay question. Avoid vague language and be specific about what the paragraph will discuss.
Counter Points
You have made a commendable effort to address contrasting viewpoints in your essay, presenting both the advantages of gender equality in hiring and the importance of qualifications. However, the integration of these viewpoints could be more seamless, with clearer transitions and more direct comparisons between the two.
Suggestions
To more effectively address and integrate counterarguments, consider directly comparing the advantages and disadvantages within the same paragraph to highlight the contrast. Use transitional phrases to smoothly shift from one viewpoint to the other, and ensure each counterpoint is directly refuted or supported with evidence or further reasoning.
Task Achievement
5.5 Bands
Overall, you have made an effort to discuss both sides of the argument regarding gender equality and hiring practices. However, your essay would benefit from a clearer structure, more balanced discussion, and stronger evidence to support your points. Pay attention to directly addressing the advantages and disadvantages of each viewpoint to fully meet the task's requirements.
In this part of essay evaluation, the system evaluates how effectively your essay fulfills the given question, focusing on its relevance and comprehensiveness.
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Response to Question
You addressed the question by discussing both viewpoints on gender equality and hiring practices based on qualifications. However, the argument could be more balanced and structured to directly compare advantages and disadvantages.
Good example(s)
Women are multitasker, handle difficult situations with patience and they can take logical decisions.
This sentence effectively highlights the positive contributions of women in the workplace.
Bad Example(s)
In this era of mass communication and development, men and women are playing their part in society regardless of their gender.
This sentence is too general and does not directly address the advantages or disadvantages of gender equality in hiring practices.
Development of Position
Your argument leans towards supporting hiring based on qualifications over gender equality but lacks a clear, strong stance throughout the essay. More explicit comparison and a balanced discussion would strengthen your position.
Good example(s)
This will ultimately motivates both men and women to excel themselves in their career by using their mind instead of their gender.
This sentence clearly supports the argument for hiring based on qualifications.
Bad Example(s)
Both these views are correct to certain level and flexibility should be shown during this situation.
This sentence is vague and does not contribute to developing a clear stance on the issue.
Supporting Details
Your examples, such as the regulation in China and the proposed law in Russia, are relevant but need more detail and evidence to be convincing. Including more specific data or studies would enhance your argument.
Good example(s)
A regulation was passed in China in 2019, that every office should hire equal number of men and women to show their solidarity to gender equality rights.
This is a specific example that supports the discussion on gender equality in hiring.
Bad Example(s)
Russia, who proposed to curtail these in 2030, by regulating a law that will enforce the recruiters to go for talent hunt rather than gender equality.
This detail lacks specificity and evidence to support its relevance and impact.
Conclusion
Your conclusion reiterates your stance but could be stronger by summarizing key arguments more effectively. A more impactful closing statement would leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Good example(s)
I strongly believe that a person should be hired on the basic of his qualification rather than his gender identity.
This sentence clearly states your position, aligning with the essay's argument.
Lexical Resources
6.5 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, though it could benefit from more precise and varied language to strengthen your argument. Some phrases and word choices are slightly informal or imprecise for an academic context, impacting the overall clarity and effectiveness of your message.
In this part of essay evaluation, the AI browses through 1,70,000+ words to analyze the diversity, suitability, and precision, reflecting high linguistic competence.
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Errors & Improvements
Based on the essay question, We have curated a list of suggested vocabulary that can improve the versatility of your writing skill. Utilise these words in your next essay to get your desired bands.
Lexical Mistakes
| Mistake | Correction | Reason |
|---|---|---|
| cooporate | corporate | Spelling error. |
| get wrong | was proven wrong | Improves clarity and correctness. |
| simultanously | simultaneously | Spelling error. |
| Undeniable factor | The undeniable factor | Lacks article for clarity. |
Repeated Words
| Repeated Words | Alternative Words |
|---|---|
gender 15 times | sex, gender-based, male/female representation |
Vocabulary Suggestions
| Word Phrase | Meaning |
|---|---|
| Meritocracy A system in which advancement is based on individual ability or achievement. | A system in which advancement is based on individual ability or achievement. |
| Diversity The practice or quality of including or involving people from a range of different social and ethnic backgrounds and of different genders, sexual orientations, etc. | The practice or quality of including or involving people from a range of different social and ethnic backgrounds and of different genders, sexual orientations, etc. |
| Inclusivity The practice or policy of including people who might otherwise be excluded or marginalized. | The practice or policy of including people who might otherwise be excluded or marginalized. |
| Equity Fairness or justice in the way people are treated. | Fairness or justice in the way people are treated. |
| Qualifications Credentials or achievements demonstrating someone's ability or suitability for a task. | Credentials or achievements demonstrating someone's ability or suitability for a task. |
Out of Context
exhausting work
Corrected Sentence:
physically demanding work
physically demanding work
Describing the role of men and women in the workplace.
Grammatical Range
6.5 Bands
Overall, your grammar demonstrates a good understanding, but attention to detail is needed to correct spelling mistakes and awkward phrasings. Additionally, breaking down complex sentences and ensuring tense consistency could significantly improve the clarity and professionalism of your writing.
In this part of essay evaluation, the ML algorithms evaluate sentence structure, scrutinizing for grammatical precision and diversity — crucial for advanced language skills.
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Learn more about grammar evaluation
Sentence Structures
Your sentences show some variety, but there's a tendency towards long, complex sentences that could be broken down for clarity. Incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences could enhance readability and effectiveness.
Good example(s)
Women are multitasker, handle difficult situations with patience and they can take logical decisions.
This sentence effectively uses a compound structure to list qualities, showing variation in structure.
Bad Example(s)
It is often debated in masses that gender equality should be promoted by giving equal job opportunities to men and women in offices or cooporate sector while some people believe that recruiting should only be based on one's qualification than its gender.
This sentence is overly long and could be clearer if broken into two sentences to separate the ideas for better understanding.
Tense Usage
Your use of tenses is generally consistent, with most of the essay written in the present tense, which is appropriate for discussing current issues and opinions. However, there are instances where tense consistency could be improved.
Grammatical Errors
cooporate
Correction:
corporate
corporate
Spelling mistake.
simultanously
Correction:
simultaneously
simultaneously
Spelling mistake.
Undeniable factor promotes the gender equality, but sometimes people with enormous experience and qualification get ignored during this process.
Correction:
The undeniable factor that promotes gender equality is that sometimes people with enormous experience and qualifications get ignored during this process.
The undeniable factor that promotes gender equality is that sometimes people with enormous experience and qualifications get ignored during this process.
The original sentence is awkwardly structured and lacks clarity.
men can perform better in every job and women were solely confined
Correction:
men could perform better in every job and women were solely confined
men could perform better in every job and women were solely confined
Inconsistency in tense; the sentence starts in past tense but incorrectly shifts to present tense.