Evaluation Report for General Writing Task 2 Cause/Effect Essay Submission

Essay Evaluation

Question: In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and the levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken?
Practice this question
In the present world obesity is the major problem across the globe. all over the world BMI of the people increased but health and fitness declines. Here i am going to discuss major causes of weight gain and their solutions.
In very first place, advancment in the technologies are the major reason of the obesity. In the older times people around the world used to work with their hands and utilize their energies although that is replaced with machines. For example, person used to reach his work place by car instead by walk. When person is doing walk daily that will make a person healthy . Here is the solution of that problem is replacment of the technologies with the man power.
Secondly, the health and fitness are reduced because people mostly eat fast food. Nevertheless, nurturus food are cut off from the daily routiens. So we easily gain weight and become unhealthy. These days mankind is not even involve in playing games or doing exercise after eating junk food. Because at work places time scheduals are tuff and person cant get enuf time to play games in ground. Beside this, man cannot prioritise his health on the high level. It is necessary to put your health and fitness on priority.
it is concluded that by changing our life styles we can able to live healthy life.
Submitted on March 15, 2024 at 7:41 AM
View model answer

Overall Evaluation

5 Bands
Your essay addresses the topic by identifying causes and suggesting measures for the problem of increasing obesity and decreasing health and fitness levels. However, there are several areas for improvement. Firstly, your essay would benefit from a clearer structure, including an introduction that directly addresses the question, followed by separate paragraphs for causes and solutions, and a concise conclusion. Secondly, pay attention to spelling, grammar, and punctuation. For example, 'advancement' is misspelled as 'advancment', and there are issues with capitalization and sentence structure throughout the essay. Additionally, providing specific examples and elaborating on the solutions with more detail would strengthen your argument. Lastly, try to maintain a formal tone suitable for an academic essay. Enhancing these aspects could significantly improve the coherence and overall quality of your writing.
In this part of essay evaluation, state of the art AI and ML algorithms trained on millions of essays analyze how well you have performed on all fronts of IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors.
Learn more about overall evaluation

Coherence & Cohesion

6 Bands
In this part of essay evaluation, the laser-focused algorithms meticulously examine your essay’s structure, ensuring your ideas flow logically and cohesively.
Learn more about coherence & cohesion evaluation

Logical Organization

Your essay has a basic structure but lacks depth in analysis and development of ideas. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are identifiable, but the transitions between ideas are somewhat abrupt. Overall, the logical flow could be improved for clarity and effectiveness. Band: 5.0

Good Sentence(s)

In the present world obesity is the major problem across the globe.
This sentence effectively introduces the topic and sets a global context.

Bad Sentence(s)

Here i am going to discuss major causes of weight gain and their solutions.
Corrected Sentence:
This essay will explore the major causes of weight gain and propose potential solutions.
Avoid first-person announcements about what you will discuss. Instead, directly introduce your points.
it is concluded that by changing our life styles we can able to live healthy life.
Corrected Sentence:
It is concluded that by adopting healthier lifestyles, individuals can lead healthier lives.
Use proper capitalization and clearer, more formal phrasing for conclusions.

Suggestions

To enhance logical progression, plan your essay with clear main ideas for each paragraph and use transition words to connect these ideas smoothly. Ensure each paragraph builds upon the last to develop your argument coherently.

Paragraphing

Your paragraphs are structured around different ideas, but the development within paragraphs is limited. Each paragraph introduces a new point but lacks detailed explanation or examples. Band: 5.0

Bad Sentence(s)

In very first place, advancment in the technologies are the major reason of the obesity.
Corrected Sentence:
The primary cause of obesity is the advancement in technology, which has led to a more sedentary lifestyle; for example, people now prefer driving to walking.
Clarify and expand your ideas with examples and explanations within the paragraph.

Suggestions

Focus on creating paragraphs that start with a clear topic sentence, followed by explanations, examples, and a concluding sentence that ties back to the essay's main argument. This structure will help in making your paragraphs more focused and coherent.

Cohesive Devices

Your essay uses some cohesive devices, but their application is inconsistent and sometimes incorrect, affecting the overall coherence. Band: 4.5

Bad Sentence(s)

For example, person used to reach his work place by car instead by walk.
Corrected Sentence:
For example, individuals now travel to their workplaces by car instead of walking.
Revise for clarity and correct use of cohesive devices.

Suggestions

Improve your use of cohesive devices by familiarizing yourself with a variety of linking words and phrases. Practice using them in sentences to ensure you understand their correct application. This will help in making your essay more coherent and fluid.

Topic Sentences

Your topic sentences introduce the main ideas effectively but could be more specific and engaging to better guide the reader through your essay.

Good Sentence(s)

In very first place, advancement in the technologies are the major reason of the obesity.
This sentence clearly introduces the paragraph's main idea about technology's role in obesity.
Secondly, the health and fitness are reduced because people mostly eat fast food.
It effectively shifts the focus to a new cause of obesity, which is diet, making it easy for the reader to follow.

Bad Sentence(s)

Here i am going to discuss major causes of weight gain and their solutions.
Corrected Sentence:
This essay will explore the primary causes of the global increase in obesity and propose viable solutions.
Make this sentence more engaging and specific to the essay's goals.

Suggestions

To write clear and impactful topic sentences, start with a concise summary of the paragraph's main idea. Use active voice and specific language. Avoid vague phrases and ensure each topic sentence links back to the essay question.

Counter Points

Your essay does not explicitly address contrasting viewpoints or counterarguments, which could enrich the analysis and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Suggestions

To integrate counterarguments effectively, acknowledge potential opposing views on the causes of obesity and health decline, then refute these with evidence or logic. This will strengthen your argument.

Task Achievement

4.5 Bands
Overall, you have a basic structure that addresses the task, but your essay needs significant improvement in clarity, coherence, and detail. Pay attention to spelling and grammar, and work on developing your ideas more fully with clear, specific examples and a more sophisticated argument structure.
In this part of essay evaluation, the system evaluates how effectively your essay fulfills the given question, focusing on its relevance and comprehensiveness.
Learn more about task achievement evaluation

Response to Question

You addressed the question by identifying causes and suggesting solutions for the increase in average weight and decrease in health and fitness. However, the depth and clarity of your arguments could be improved.

Good example(s)

In the older times people around the world used to work with their hands and utilize their energies although that is replaced with machines.
This sentence effectively highlights a cause for decreased fitness levels.

Bad Example(s)

Here i am going to discuss major causes of weight gain and their solutions.
This sentence is too direct and lacks sophistication for an IELTS essay.

Development of Position

Your argument's development is somewhat weak. You've outlined causes and solutions, but the connection between them and the overall coherence of your argument could be stronger.

Bad Example(s)

Here is the solution of that problem is replacment of the technologies with the man power.
This sentence is confusing and does not clearly communicate the solution.

Supporting Details

Your examples are relevant but lack depth and detail. More specific examples or data could strengthen your argument.

Bad Example(s)

Because at work places time scheduals are tuff and person cant get enuf time to play games in ground.
This sentence is informal and contains spelling errors, reducing its effectiveness.

Conclusion

Your conclusion is too brief and lacks a strong summary of your points or a compelling final thought.

Bad Example(s)

it is concluded that by changing our life styles we can able to live healthy life.
This conclusion is overly simplistic and does not effectively encapsulate the essay's arguments.

Lexical Resources

5.5 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary related to the topic of obesity, health, and fitness. However, there are several areas where the lexical resource could be improved to enhance clarity and precision. Attention to word choice and avoiding repetition can significantly elevate the quality of your writing.
In this part of essay evaluation, the AI browses through 1,70,000+ words to analyze the diversity, suitability, and precision, reflecting high linguistic competence.
Learn more about lexical evaluation

Errors & Improvements

Based on the essay question, We have curated a list of suggested vocabulary that can improve the versatility of your writing skill. Utilise these words in your next essay to get your desired bands.

Lexical Mistakes

MistakeCorrectionReason
advancment advancementSpelling error.
nurturus nutritiousIncorrect word usage.
scheduals schedulesSpelling error.
tuff toughSpelling error.
enuf enoughInformal spelling.

Repeated Words

Repeated WordsAlternative Words
health and fitness 3 times
well-being, physical condition, fitness levels

Vocabulary Suggestions

Word Phrase
Obesity The condition of being grossly fat or overweight.
Sedentary lifestyle A type of lifestyle with little or no physical activity.
Nutritious Efficient as food; nourishing.
Physical activity Any bodily movement produced by skeletal muscles that requires energy expenditure.
Lifestyle modifications Changes made to improve one's health and well-being.

Out of Context

replacment of the technologies with the man power
Corrected Sentence:
replacing technological conveniences with manual effort
Discussing the impact of technology on physical activity.

Grammatical Range

4.5 Bands
Your essay demonstrates a fundamental understanding of grammar, but there are several areas for improvement. Issues such as incorrect tense usage, lack of subject-verb agreement, and punctuation errors (especially missing commas) detract from the clarity of your arguments. Additionally, capitalization errors and inconsistent use of articles ('a', 'the') are noticeable. Focusing on these areas could significantly enhance the readability and professionalism of your writing.
In this part of essay evaluation, the ML algorithms evaluate sentence structure, scrutinizing for grammatical precision and diversity — crucial for advanced language skills.
Learn more about grammar evaluation

Sentence Structures

Your sentences lack variety and complexity. Most of them are simple or compound, with limited use of complex sentence structures that could enhance clarity and engagement.

Bad Example(s)

Here i am going to discuss major causes of weight gain and their solutions.
This sentence is overly simplistic and lacks a complex structure that could more effectively introduce the main points of the essay.

Tense Usage

Your use of tenses is generally consistent, but there are instances where the tense does not match the context, leading to confusion.

Bad Example(s)

person used to reach his work place by car instead by walk.
The mix of past and present tenses ('used to reach' vs. 'by walk') is confusing. It should be 'instead of walking' to maintain consistency.

Grammatical Errors

In the present world obesity is the major problem across the globe.
Correction:
In the present world, obesity is a major problem across the globe.
Comma needed after introductory phrase for clarity, and 'the' is unnecessary before 'major problem'.
all over the world BMI of the people increased but health and fitness declines.
Correction:
All over the world, the BMI of people has increased, but health and fitness have declined.
Capitalization at the beginning, use of present perfect tense for 'has increased', and plural 'have declined' to match the plural subject.
advancment in the technologies are the major reason of the obesity.
Correction:
Advancement in technology is a major reason for obesity.
Spelling of 'advancement', 'technology' should be singular, and 'for' is the correct preposition.